Idk how to feel about where i am in life.

To start, I’m a 21 y/o dude. I still live with my parents, and trying to put money back to move out. I sorta “blew” a lot of my savings from the last job i had. Was working as a diesel mechanic at my dad’s work since high school graduation. I wanted to try something different and on my own, and got hired on at a place my uncle worked as an apprentice electrician. I literally had almost 20k saved, but ended up spending most of it on both tools, and a more dependable car. Like 10k of it went to a down payment on the car, and almost 2k on tools/packout. Like two days before the start of my current spring term, i applied, and quit my job (was about 90 days in). Now im back working part time at my dad’s work, and it feels like such a step backwards. Right now i only have like 3.5k in savings, and i very recently started a Roth IRA via Vanguard, in which i plan to contribute $100 every month.

Socially, I’m kinda cooked lol. I was absolute garbage at initiating stuff and socializing in general in high school, and even way longer before that. Obviously, that self isolation leads to zero dating experience, and romance isn’t really something I’ve ever experienced, so that stings a bit. It was primarily self-view issues, where i just severely undervalued myself, believing i wasn’t “worthy” of certain things in a way. My mind is the biggest bully I’ve ever had, and was especially true back then. I held myself back from experiencing a ton of that life tried to give me. Luckily i gravitated to other broken homies, and have a small group of really awesome people as friends. Like genuinely the best people ive ever met in my life. Love those dudes. Man, do they love weed, but still. Solid, kind people.

I’m not one to place a lot of worth towards social status. I mean I’m pretty competitive internationally, but its a benefit for the self sorta thing. Like “lets see if i can actually do this thing, and if I can do it better or worse than i thought”. I do think i place more value in extrinsic things a bit too much and hold myself to way higher standards than what people are already expecting of me. Still sorta dealing with self worth issues, but I’ve actually managed to scrounge together a small semblance of self confidence lol, so I’m doing WAY better than high school me was. High school me was absolutely zapped of life. I was incredibly depressed, especially coming out of graduation. I had even worse loneliness issues then, and that felt like it compounded everything even more, in a way.

Im worried a lot about how my accumulated experience/lack of in life might affect things for me in things like dating/relationships. Im still pretty insecure as a person, especially though when it comes to how little i feel i’ve lived, and how behind in life i feel, with where i am at 21. My main goals at the moment are to maintain as best grades as i can in college, watch my spending/save for an apartment, try to leave my room more, and try to make myself a somewhat presentable person/try and get relationship experience.

I seem to worry a ton about not having dated. Im really worried how that would affect the quality of partner i can be. That plus the virgin stigma lol. I’m aware of how dumb it is, but even so it feels really sucky as a guy. I think its less about getting my dick wet, and more feeling kind insecure, and feeling like il not that desirable. Like, when i think about what a relationship could maybe look like, im most drawn and excited by the thought of someone genuinely just wanting me. I mean sure, sex is probably pretty cool, but i think i just want to be wanted, if that makes sense. Like the idea of someone liking me at the human/person level enough to want to dedicate themselves and time towards me that much, sounds damn incredible, and awesome. I mean it definitely ties into that deep sense of “unworthiness” inside me or whatever, but its just something i ruminate about a lot, and that level of love just sounds so safe comforting in a way. Like i’m not looking to unload my inner bullshit on some poor girl and say “fix me, I’m lonely”, but at the same time, i think just having someone present, and understanding and willing to sit and talk to me and give me a safe space for me to talk about things would absolutely mean the world to me. I hope someday i can be that rock for someone else too.

Overall, i just feel like I’m in this weird starting place, that should have happened like 2 years ago, and I’m insecure about it. Like I’m excited for college, but then that excitement gets diminished a lot when i see 18 year olds in the same place i am, making me feel like i wasted 3 years of my life doing a whole lot of nothing and sadness lol. Im in that weird middle ground between excitement and embarrassment. Especially, if I’m unable to afford to move out until like 24 or 25. Again, extrinsic stuff i really shouldn’t put that much value into, but it very much does get to me. Like dayum, what if i meet someone awesome, but it fails, all because i live with my parents still lol. Like phuccc. An otherwise amazing opportunity to develop that companionship and support structure i want to build so badly with someone. Sucks that everyone in my classes is like 18 too. I get its just a 3 year age gap, but damn does it make me feel creepy. Plus why would any 18/19 year old girl want to date a 21 year old in the same life stage as them? Thats like dating someone who got held back 3 years lol. Idk. Im in this weird limbo mental state where i honestly kinda feel like a looser, but at the same time if i don’t do anything im guaranteed to be a looser. So…yeah. Idk how to feel in this stage of life lol