24 days since losing everything in a day again... ODAAT

I'm still going, tired but pushing and trying to show up for myself. Salary came in and went all out (living costs..) I'm about to hit overdraft again.

Somehow still can put a smile on talking to colleague and clients all day (I work in IT, though salary in UK is a fkn joke) trying to not lose who I am. Still hitting the gym and eating healthy.

But after all of this I can't stop disassociating. I need to get high (green) otherwise I just feel immense pain being alone in my thoughts. Can't even get myself to enjoy gaming or anime anymore.

Still feel like I've wasted my 20s, over £50K lost lifetime could have done so much with that money, treated myself and my single mother to holidays - I've only ever wanted to make her proud. Only been on holiday twice throughout my 20s what a joke - seems I live others lives through youtube or music instead.

I really hope I can make my 30s better but I'm really scared. It has been a cycle chasing losses after rebuilding and I'm really running out of time for my mother and my own state of mind. I'm so aware of time as it is, my favourite movie is Interstellar and the amount of time and effort I've wasted is unfathomable.

Don't know what I'm getting at, just to vent. Really hope we all make it out of this cycle, there is so much pain being caused by this disease and it is such a lonely battle. ODAAT.