Post SI

So after being inpatient on 3 different occasions for trying to end my own life. I no longer feel any fear or anxiety or really anything when I’m in a crisis now. In place of any fear or anxiety, I feel rather relieved or quite determined. Though I fear being back inpatient and losing my freedom than actually death itself. Anyone else who have attempted and failed, also struggle to acknowledge that? Am I the only one or do you guys experience it as well?

For context. My first attempt was a jump from a high place. My second was high speed collision. My last and most recent one was medication OD.