Desperately need advice

(Burner account because we don’t actually use reddit anymore due to our mental health but we have no where else to go) 

Hi so I need some advice because things are becoming confusing and stressful and our therapist is out on maternity leave so we have no one to talk to about this.

So I (the primary host) am in a relationship and have been in a relationship for the past 3-4 years and when I met my partner our system had just gone through a mass dormancy and I was (basically?) the only one who wasn’t dormant (apparently one other headmate might not have been dormant but I was unaware of that) and during that time I convinced myself that I wasn’t actually a system and it was just psychosis so I never told my partner about our plurality. My headmates didn’t start coming out of dormancy until about a year or so after me and my partner started dating but everyone was chill with me being in a relationship and they didn’t care that I didn’t tell my partner that we have DID.

Recently we have had a significant uptick in our headcount and the newer headmates do not feel the same as the og headmates (that’s what we call the group of us who formed between birth and 2020 cause we rarely ever split until 2025). The newer headmates are very upset that no one is allowed to pursue a relationship since I’m already in one. They also don’t like that they have to pretend to be me if my partner texts while they are fronting because I still don’t know how to tell them we are plural.

Over the past few weeks our newest member has developed a crush on his own online friend and they have confirmed they feel the same, this has been causing problems. He is mad at me because I’ve been limiting his contact with that friend and won’t let him pursue anything there but I don’t want my relationship with my partner to be put on the line. The newer group of headmates have started to get more mad at me and I don’t know what to do.

I know I have control issues and I struggle to let go of the idea of everything being me and mine and have a tendency to stifle my headmates, and I’m actively working on that because I know it’s not fair to them, but this specific situation feels so much more complicated and I don’t know what to do.

Even if I can get past my anxiety and tell my partner that we are plural I don’t think I’d ever be able to talk to them about opening up our relationship for my headmates. I don’t want to lose them, I love them so much. They have also told me on multiple occasions how I saved them and they don’t think they’d still be here if it weren’t for me and I don’t want to endanger their life and well being by asking to open the relationship.

My headmates have always tried to be understanding but they are hitting their limit and I know it isn’t fair for them but I’m just so anxious and scared about losing the one I love…

I recently have made the headmate with the specific crush stay out of front because every time he talked to his crush it has made me feel like I’m cheating. His crush knows the situation and has been understanding and respectful but my anxiety and ocd goes haywire everytime they talk even though they’ve promised to keep everything platonic because *I* know they like each other and *they* both know that the feelings are mutual between them. We may be different people but we all share one body so it still feels like some kind of cheating just by letting them talk at all.

The others are telling me that’s not fair and some have started calling me a tyrant...it hurts and I don’t know what to do, it feels like no matter what I do someone will be hurt and unhappy…

I just really need some advice on what to do and even to just how to start the conversation with my partner about us being plural because every time I try I end up chickening out and isolating.

Also if anyone knows of any other places I can go for help with this situation I’m all ears, we can’t wait another month for our therapist to come back.