Just trying to make sense of this -

Day after Valentine's, I said something unserious, (kids eat us out of house and home, will often eat entire packages of something that could be shared) and I made a joke about pretty soon needing to dig into their piggy banks just to afford it, that SO the BM, probably doesn't want to go grocery shopping every single day, and that we don't need to eat a 45 cookies in one sitting just because they're there. I was not serious or angry, not preachy, we were all being jovial. We were all making goofy remarks, they threw their siblings under the bus for eating their clearly-marked food, so I thought we were on the same page having a laugh and said let's maybe try and share a bit more. I also understand now that saying this was probably me overstepping my bounds.

Hours later, I get home later than my SO, the BM, she's reading. I greet her and she was angry, I didn't know why. She bombards me about the remark earlier, and during, I find out the kids said they weren't actually sure if I was serious or not, told my SO. She could have just texted me and asked for clarification, asked me how the conversation went instead of letting it stew. She said so much at me that I felt grilled. I couldn't get a word in, and what I did say didn't seem believable enough to her to clarify about how ridiculous that would actually be. 'Oh, so you think everyone needs to ask each other permission now to eat their own food' and was angry at me for speaking on her behalf about shopping. I felt completely bombarded, put on the defense, and then humiliated, made an example of as it was within ear shot of the kids, after I've asked numerous times that we discuss these issues between us privately.

A lot of assumption remarks also put me on the defensive, and I ultimately gave in to feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, unheard, misunderstood, and thought I'd just give up because what I was trying to say wasn't getting anywhere anyhow, so I said 'Okay, you know what, I'm sorry. I'm the bad guy, I'll always be the bad guy, everything awful is always my fault, and I'll never made a joke around like that with you guys again, no accountability for anyone but me.'.

It ended. Partner gave up too, I thought I gave her what she wanted and was enough of a punching bag for the night, so we all parted ways and she went to sleep. Kids came around after hearing it all, I was upset and felt like a 'what the heck man' because we're pretty close and understanding of each other, so I was careful when I asked, 'What made you guys think I was serious?'. I didn't want to make it worse and didn't want them to be afraid I'd be mad, but they ignored me and went to their rooms. Upsetting, but I let it go, not surprised, clearly a losing battle. Then the kids came up with plan to cover and lie for the one kid who mistook what I said. It was for her to leave the house without adult permission because she felt overwhelmed and intimidated (she told me later on when we cleared it between her and I 💙) . They lied to me about 'finding a lost pen outside', 2 left, the elder of them came back, lied again about whereabouts of the kid who left. I shook my partner up, told her what happened, and was pushed out of the scenario immediately. Since it directly involved me, I felt like I should have been included, but I wasn't, and yet again, felt humiliated and singled out, like a child in time-out. So went to talk to kids in their rooms.

I overheard that my SO's phone was acting up badly, couldn't get it to contact our kid who left. Part of V-Day gifts was a new phone, so I focused on getting the new phone up and running, started it up to get service on. Eventually, SO came out, I said I was trying to get her phone started, she said that 'my old phone was working just fine and then stopped, when did you start this? It was fine before you turned the new one on, what did you do?'. I told her, 'how the hell would I do that and how could you accuse me of that if you were in there with it!?' and started accusing me of eavesdropping when you can literally hear through the already thin walls of a very small apartment, literally outside bedroom is next to the living room.

I WANT TO CLARIFY THAT MY SO DOES NOT ALWAYS ACT THIS WAY, NOT TRYING TO PAINT HER AS EVIL - IT IS NOT A CONSTANT THING. I am not a saint at all either, but I don't feel I acted in any way that justifies this entire snowball event, nor do I feel I should take all of the blame for everyone else's choices.

Tried to ask her how she thought I was to blame for the phone, she told me she couldn't handle me when I was 'like this' and told me to go back to my place for the night. Fed up, I vented how everyone was acting way out of proportion, being dramatic teenage girls (all teens), which I know I shouldn't say as my brick to throw but I had had enough of being misunderstood and blamed for every little thing wrong that night. They all made choices, you can't just accuse someone of things and expect them not to feel some way.

I took my things and told her that all her keeping me out of things and using my reactions as a reason, not giving me a chance to prove otherwise, was the reason why I get so upset in the first place, and I left.

I hadn't reached out since, I didn't think it was on me to because she told me to leave for the night and I gave her what she asked for. I think that if she wanted me involved again, she'd communicate that much after telling me to go. Even if she specifically said 'for the night', why would I feel comfortable to come back after all of that and just silence after? I get that she was overwhelmed and already spent hours prior stewing, but she just didn't want to hear what I had to say, and more blame just felt like fault finding and a place to target. She hasn't been communicating with me like normal since, no texting funny memes, no regular conversing, no reaching out from her, so this must be what she wants me to do right now.

I've only ever asked that we handle things as a team and having her fulfill her part as parent and partner to help bridge the gaps and advocate for both the kids and me equally. Not this 'versus' idea she seems to think I'm asking for, 'choose me or the kids'. I'm not saying I can't handle it all, I'm not saying I'm miserable living this, I'm simply asking for the Golden Rule. I'm not going to be the sole initiator. If you want me in your life, make me feel that way. Otherwise, don't blame me for staying away after I'm accused of apparently making everyone feel miserable.

Not sure what she wants of me right now, other than to go stay out of the way. I texted a week later apologizing for my part after I cooled down, which was overstepping my role and to be more careful with my words, that I need to work on my reactions so that the kids aren't afraid of me. HOWEVER I forgot to include that none of how I was that night justifies a 14 year old to run away to a friend's house, be pushed out, not allowed to get frustrated, just sit there at take being parented by my SO, because that just makes it look like I'm at fault for everyone's discomfort. I wasn't yelling, I wasn't throwing things or being a bully, I didn't even say anything to the kids about it because I didn't want to make it worse. Then told to go.

I don't think it's healthy to convince myself that I'm the safe enough place for her to just unleash fury, because as much as that sounds like 'oh you can handle her storms', I don't think they mean it this way. Reverse the roles. I hold others accountable for what they do or didn't do to me, but at the end of the day, I can't force anyone to apologize or to care for how I feel after they make choices. I have to advocate for myself for that if they don't feel they have obligations. I also am sad to think that I don't feel like I'm a true loss in their lives enough to matter, during when they see me as the issue, and it really hurts, because nobody pays that price but me. I wanted a family in them, but nobody will feel the same weight of my absence when I'm away and it's justified in some way. I have to take the good with the bad for them, and that's 5 people, they only have me. And I still can't figure out why my SO doesn't reach out first, besides that maybe she believes she's in the right and I'm just 'choosing' to stay away.

This is just how I currently feel in this moment, and for as much as she has every right and wants to advocate for the kids, I have to watch the line I tread for my role very closely. I just sometimes feel abandoned as a partner because I just deduce that maybe she's looking to be the voice for them that she never got as a child with her own parents, and then also back peddling what damages others have done to them, and I happen to be the easiest target for everyone's anger. She went right for the throat instead of just asking me. I don't know if she anticipated me to lie or deflect or what, but it wasn't fair and I know she wouldn't have liked if it was reversed. Times I made her feel like that, I guess she got her chance to make me see.

All I know is you cannot get from me what justice you never got from your parents. I can't keep paying the price for sins I never did, nor would I ever act like them towards our kids, and after seeing how they've been treated already, as we ourselves were victims to their bullshit up until last year. I am far from perfect and have my own struggles, mistakes I've done and sins I do have to pay for, responsibilities to manage, I feel like I didn't get the chance to have her on my side as a partner in this without getting severely browbeaten in the town square. Again, I fully understand a pissed off mama bear and I won't interfere with rules I shouldn't make, but as my partner of nearly a decade, I'd hope that maybe we'd talk about it by now as partners, instead of making me feel like I'm the one getting parented all the time and the kids not get consequences for their actions instead.

Raise them how you see fit, I'll stay quiet, but if something goes wrong, do not get angry with me if I don't enforce something that's not meant for me to enforce. I will tell them that their mother makes the rules, I'm tired of being the bad guy for everyone. I'm already in therapy, I'm reading books to learn better paths for my own stupid flaws and issues, trauma responses and bullshit. I'm your partner. I just wanted the dignity of that.