Married 15 years. My (41M) wife (39F) hooked up with woman for first time and now thinks she might be gay

Sorry the long post. I'm just so incredibly confused and could use some advice.

Backstory: my wife and I have been together for fifteen years. IMO, we've always had great sex but we have had issues over the years as most couples do in LTRs; especially as she started working longer hours (high vs lower libido partner and all...) It’s been tough to balance intimacy when she’s on longer jobs, but when she’s not working, or on vacation, or at our summer home, it usually returns to a healthy amount. Just over Christmas, we traveled to see our families and had sex 4 or 5 times over the 14 days. She initiates, it’s often passionate and she finishes 99% of the time (I assure you this is all relevant). We're truly each other's best friends who can still talk for hours and hours and hours about anything and everything. We had explored being open and playing together for the last six years (she's a bit on hot and cold on this). We basically had one experience per year, but nothing over the last two years. They were all super hot with minimal issues.

About six weeks ago, my wife was out of town on a job and used a hall pass we discussed frequently through the years, got drunk, and had sex with a woman (this was all aboveboard). She enjoyed it way more than she thought. She came home explaining that this might finally open the avenues for exploring together. She found her "kink."However, given she was drunk, she wanted to explore it sober to see what it meant. Also curious, I agreed and the next day she went over there. I immediately spiraled; all of the usual lizard brain anxious feelings of jealousy, suspicion, etc. She came home and we talked. I said I couldn’t handle solo play. It was just too intense. She then said she “really liked it” “way more than she expected”. She then says she wants ENM, to keep playing solo, and explore other women. It was incredibly overwhelming as I just had a horrible night and did not at all want those things at this moment. Immediately, I grew nervous - what if my wife is gay? Or bisexual and really into women? Issue is she did want to explore together for the time being, maybe ever. The way she was processing out loud, both her confusion and her excitement were palpable. I spiraled, fearing that this new identity might cause the demise of our relationship, which I considered as close to perfect as it gets for the last fifteen years until this moment. She said she hasn't desired me all that much in a long time, and very much desired this woman (which again, given Christmas break was completely shocking to hear).

I’m an anxious person, so inevitably the catastrophizing was off to the races for the next month (though I'm now on anti-anxiety medication to help me cope). She’s an avoidant who comes from a tough childhood, broken home, parents with multiple divorces, etc. As the days progressed, she was still working long hours and said she didn’t have time to “process” her feelings. But it was clear that she was questioning whether she was, in fact, gay - breaking down into tears, wondering how she’d tell her family, what it means for her and our lives, or our friend group. I was crying endlessly, in profound pain, had multiple entirely sleepless nights and she just couldn't seem to comfort me and show any affection and offer any assurance. Worse, while a couple weeks prior, we'd often talk about being together forever and growing old together, suddenly she started saying "I don't know" when I asked what this all meant for our relationship.

There has also been a coldness and stiffness with her affection since this happened. Like my old wife left for the work trip, and returned with this new persona; as though an alien in her body. TBH, at some moments, I too thought she might be gay. Just the way she was acting and her weird hang ups on sex and our intimacy. It explains some other issues - like in rare times feeling I'm "in love" with her but she just "loves" me. During one sleepless night, I finally asked her if she was gay. She said “Yes.” She then told me she didn’t want to show me much affection or care for me because she felt guilty having all of these lustful thoughts and feelings. However, the next day, after talking to her friends and some family, she said she actually thinks it’s because of the issues we’ve had around sex. There’s been so much pressure and history to it. She said she sometimes feels it's a "obligation" which makes me feel horrible. I had no idea how deep these problems with our sex life went with her; it felt like most with LTR, we argued about sex sometimes (though "argue" is a strong word...), but it always got back on track. But I'm also not sure if she's revising our history to accommodate this new discover (maybe a bit of both). Suddenly sex is now suddenly an existential issue. In her view, if we tried to fix the "hard" sex issues, that might be why she was so into this experience with the woman which was pressure free and "easy". Yes, she might be bisexual as well. But not necessarily gay.

So we saw a couples sex therapist who assigned some exercises. We went away on a work trip and were told to do the exercises there but she never wanted to. We had sex and it felt incredibly awkward (again, like my old wife was replaced by this alien person). However the old affection was somewhat returning; holding hands, cuddling, kissing. The job then ended and within 36 hours, she spent a night at our summer home and called me in tears, coming to the conclusion that she’s 100% gay. She advised we have a trial separation so she could explore and figure out what this means. She couldn’t stop thinking about the woman. It felt “right”. All the while she’s saying she loves me deeply, doesn’t want to give up our great lives, and that she doesn’t want us to end. Completely shocked at what I was hearing, I resisted the separation and the exploration at first, but I realized - I love her with all my heart, I need to let her go and explore this. It’s the only option other than saying no and building resentment or blowing up her life so she could go explore. She’ll now sublet an apartment and spend 4-6 weeks exploring. TBH - I'm not jealous about the sex, I'm fearful of her meeting someone and ending our lives together to be with them. It's all so up in the air.

None of our close friends who know the details agree that she is gay. They all also know or are not at all surprised she’s bisexual. Many think that she just never had the early 20s “sexual exploration” phase where these questions would have been answered. She’s now “high” on this great sex, which is eclipsing her perspective and making her think she might be a lesbian. We’re in couples therapy and the therapist told us to see this exploration as a “we” and “us”. “We” are allowing her to explore so “we” can know what it means for “us”. She encouraged me to explore as well, so it’s not like I’m sitting there waiting. This has been the hardest six weeks of my life, so sex with other people isn’t even close to top of mind, but maybe once this all settles I might. I just don't care currently. I'm trying to save our marriage.

The affection and coldness still remains though; again, it’s like my old wife has vanished seemingly within a blink of an eye. Her hand feels a bit stiff when I hold it, the kisses are less loving or more forced, and the dozens of random touches/affection prior to this all happening have almost entirely vanished. I’m not sure if this is her avoidance de-activation to avoid feeling guilty or shameful or bad about how much I was hurting or for what this might mean for our relationship. Or if this new identity is causing her to realize that the last fifteen years were a lie and performance she was putting on and now she's "free". Or if the confusion is so intense that she just can't focus on us right now. We agreed we can’t work on our sex issues while she’s exploring her sexuality. So our couples therapy will focus on our foundational issues - attachment, communication, trauma, etc while navigating this situation. I'm just completely heartbroken. Literally two weeks prior this, everything felt as close to perfect as it gets. Issues yes, but normal issues of LTRs. Now it's on life support.

I guess my question is what you all think? Is this just something she needs to explore? What’s the best way to support her and myself while she does? Could she be a lesbian? Or is it likely that she’s just bisexual and way more into women? Is the bi-cycle real? Has anyone else gone through this type of confusion when figuring our their or their partner's sexuality? Or any tips on how to navigate it? Is 4-6 weeks enough time or what's ideal?

TL;DR - happily married for 15 years with a fairly good sex life; wife used legitimate hallpass to hook up with woman; now questions whether she's a lesbian