How can I improve?

I apologize in advance if there are any mistakes; English isn't my first language and I'm very nervous.

Hello, I don't really know how to start this because this subject becomes more and more delicate for me every day.

Anyway, I've known about the BDSM scene in general for a while, as well as DDLG. However, in both, I feel like I don't know enough, I'm not prepared enough, you know? I know what it is, but I don't know it in depth, you know?

Anyway, I feel insecure and envious when I see other people's dynamics. I keep wondering when it will be my turn, when I could experience that too, you know? I feel like I'm not thin enough, delicate and cute enough; I feel like nothing is enough about me, and that's why I don't have a dynamic. I know it's silly, I know it's pretty stupid to think like that, but I can't help it when all the attempts/experiences I've had have been frustrating.

Sometimes I just want to feel important, to feel cared for and small. I want to let go and be clingy, you know? Being pampered and cared for.

I'd like to talk more, to express this frustration more, but whenever this subject comes to mind I feel overwhelmed and I can never properly express what I feel. Everything is so frustrating and I feel so upset with myself for not being good enough. And this reminds me of a post I saw once, from a domme saying that she can't control a submissive who has a bad or no sense of self, and I was like "oh" because I feel like I'm that type and it's difficult for me.

As much as I try to understand and comprehend, I feel like I can't without help, you know? And I wanted to know how to improve in this, how to better understand my limits, how to get to know myself better in this environment, how to be good. Sometimes I think about having some kind of mentor hahaha someone who holds my hand and is patient with my questions, however silly they may be.

I wanted to talk more but I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can't express myself better than this, sorry.

Any tips on how I can feel better about this? How can I improve on these issues by myself?

P.S.: Sorry, this sounded more like a vent than a question, I'm feeling quite "unstable (?)" I don't know… (⁠｡⁠•́⁠︿⁠•̀⁠｡⁠)