Trying to Understand My Spiritual Experiences & Meditation Journey

Hi everyone,

I’ve been thinking a lot about my past experiences with meditation, yoga, and spiritual awareness, and I wanted to share them here to get some insight. I’ll try to give a bit of background first so my later experiences make sense.

Since I was a child, I’ve occasionally had interesting or prophetic dreams. Even though I don’t strongly believe in spiritual entities, I’ve always been afraid of the dark. One of my biggest childhood fears was the feeling that something was watching me. In my imagination, this “thing” would often change shape over time.

Also, even though I’m not Asian, I’ve had a tiger as a kind of imaginary companion since childhood -whenever I was bored or lonely, I’d picture it walking or running alongside me.

About 10-12 years ago, I started experimenting with meditation, very naively, just following instructions I found online. At first, I could control my mental visions when I closed my eyes, and they became more vivid quickly.

Then one day, a vision completely went out of my control. I found myself on the beach next to a giant, horse-like creature. I could see its individual hairs and feel the wind. It was amazing.

Later, another meditation gave me a similar experience, but this time an unfamiliar material appeared in my vision. After staring at it for a while, I heard a voice say a word I didn’t understand. When I researched it, I realized it was the name of a chemical element and it looked exactly like what I had seen.

In another meditation, I tried exploring a forest, but a little girl kept appearing in my path. I tried walking past her and even pushing her aside, but she kept coming back. Eventually I saw a strange plant with caterpillars (which I really hate) and I ended the meditation. After that, I didn’t meditate for a long time, and the clarity of my visions faded.

About five years later, I started practicing yoga. I tried yin, vinyasa, and ashtanga. I liked yin yoga, but strangely, even though all the classes were in the same room on different days, yin yoga triggered allergies and I stopped. Ashtanga felt right, so I continued with that.

Later, I tried kundalini yoga. Even though it was mostly still and meditative, I would leave each session feeling completely drained, often falling asleep immediately. Fire-breathing exercises reminded me of a snake, and even though I hoped the fatigue would pass, it never did, so I eventually stopped.

After a while, I noticed something strange: one day while walking through a crowded street, I felt a presence beside me and behind me, even though nothing was actually there. Beside me, I felt the tiger I’d imagined as a child. Behind me, I sensed the shape of the thing I used to fear. But this time I wasn’t afraid. It felt protective, like it was part of me.

Because of my irregular lifestyle, I eventually stopped practicing yoga and meditation regularly. I tried guided meditations later, silently repeating the instructions in my mind, and sometimes I could feel things very vividly (like leaning against a tree and actually feeling its support). However, when prayers or affirmations were said out loud, fear would sometimes arise, like something negative was listening. Since then, I’ve continued to do them silently.

Recently, I’ve been reading more about spiritual awareness, and I want to start practicing again. But I’m not sure how to protect myself from the wrong kinds of practices.

I don’t fully understand what I experienced or what I was exposed to. Thinking about it still makes me curious and a bit unsettled.

I would really appreciate it if anyone knowledgeable in this area could help me interpret these experiences and maybe suggest a safe path forward.