I love my friends, but I’m starting to resent them

Hi, I’m not even completely sure why I’m writing this. I think I mostly just want a bit of understanding and also need to vent a little.

I (F19) have a friend group from school. We graduated last year and, as expected, our contact has naturally decreased since then. That in itself wouldn’t really bother me. The problem is that we’ve now reached a point where it’s honestly just starting to annoy me, and I notice myself developing negative feelings toward my friends and sometimes even trying to avoid contact altogether.

Which sounds pretty counterproductive considering what my actual problem is. I tend to be quite avoidant. Whenever I feel ignored, I immediately go into a defensive mode and sometimes end up ignoring or even blocking the person for a while. I also sometimes develop random phases of antipathy toward my friends. Usually those phases pass after some time, but this one has been lasting longer than usual.

The ironic part is that these friendships actually mean a lot to me. Even if my description so far doesn’t really make it sound like that.

The main issue is that I feel like I’m putting a lot of effort into maintaining these friendships. We have a group chat, and I’ve noticed that whenever I write something, it often just gets ignored. I know that this is a common thing in group chats and that people not replying doesn’t necessarily mean anything personal. But it still triggers me quite a bit.

It’s similar in private chats too. I’m almost always the one who reaches out first, and they basically never text me first. Over time that just starts to feel really discouraging, and I can feel myself struggling more and more with the growing resentment.

Part of me just wants to give in to my avoidant tendencies and block everyone and never talk to them again. Realistically I know I won’t actually do that, but the impulse is definitely there.

What makes it especially frustrating is that when I do text, it’s usually things that are pretty easy to respond to. Small life updates or suggestions to make plans. And still, most of the time I either get no response at all or just a one-word reply.

These friendships genuinely matter to me, but right now I’m honestly losing the motivation to keep putting in all the effort.

Does anyone have tips on how to deal with this kind of random antipathy toward your friends? Or just advice on how I should approach this situation in general? I feel pretty conflicted about it at the moment, and I’d really appreciate any advice.