i miss my dad

he died 2 years ago and it hits me hard every couple months and today was bad again. my mom got a restraining order on him months before he died and i hate her sometimes because of it, i couldnt spend those last moments with him and im so angry i wish i couldve been there making more it hurts so bad. he dealt with addiction and would get really paranoid and when he had these episodes he would call me all the time just to be on the phone so i can give him company until he felt better. he died having one of those episodes and he ran and hit his head and ended up bleeding out and i feel so guilty because if he could still call me i know i could’ve gotten him to feel better. ive never told anyone about that guilt because it sounds silly but its real and it stills feels so raw i miss him so much and seeing people who look like him hurts i dont know how to make it bdtter