my (20f) boyfriend (21m) just revealed he’s addicted to porn

my boyfriend and i started dating in 2023 back in high school. we have navigated long distance, a cancer diagnosis and journey, and many other struggles together as we learn and grow. recently, i drove to visit him at his college. we hadn’t seen each other in about 7 weeks. while there, i noticed he was a lot less touchy and complimenting me less. this is very odd because he’s adamant touch is his love language, and has always been ecstatic to see me and all over me when we see each other. after i left, i texted him about it so see if maybe he was just stressed or overwhelmed. i told him i felt like maybe he was less attracted to me after the weekend. i expressed that something felt off, and was hoping he would disagree or reassure me. he told me that he agreed, and that we should call.

the next day, we called. he told me that he felt no desire to have sex anymore. he said “not just with you but at all” which is crazy because why would u wanna have sex with anyone else…? anyways, i asked him why he suddenly felt this way. he didn’t have a great answer, so naturally i got very upset as this is not a good thing to hear. i asked him where he thought this could go if he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. he said he was attracted to me, but didn’t want to do anything sexual or intimate. i told him that this was not something i was willing to sit around and wait for him to want to have sex with me again. intimacy is a big part of relationships, especially when you are long distance. when you finally see your significant other, you should want to be intimate with them and have that connection. i certainly want that, and i do not think it’s something crazy to want/need.

this is where things went south. about 6 months into our relationship when it was getting more serious, we started setting boundaries. we had a discussion about porn. i told him that i do not watch porn, probably like twice a year maximum. i do not support the industry, i think its very harmful to watch, and i set a boundary of mine. i don’t watch porn, and i didn’t want him to watch porn. he told me that he does watch it, but had no problem stopping because it was such a strict boundary that i had and was important to me that he stopped. i believed he would stop, and i asked a few times after that if he stopped watching or was having difficulties. he told me no, and that he was not watching it. i checked probably 5/6 times over the next 6 months, and it every time i was told he stopped and it was not an issue. i never asked again, i never thought it was something i had to worry about.

back to the present, on this phone call he told me he never stopped watching porn. he stopped for maximum 3 months, and then fell back into it. he told me that he watched it heavily when he had cancer, as in multiple times a day. he told me it was a crutch he relied on an that everyone has vices and that porn was his. he said to me “some people smoke a lot some people drink a lot, but i don’t do that stuff. i just watch porn.” he told me that the reason he never told me until 3 years into dating is because i set such a strict boundary, and that he “knew” if he told the truth i would breakup with him. this is completely untrue. if he told me about his struggles and was honest 2 years ago, i would’ve been supportive. i would’ve helped him navigate his struggles and been happy he was honest with me. instead, he hid it all from me and never addressed the problem. we went on trips together, spend summers together, and so much more.

obviously, i’m heartbroken. i immediately broke up with him. the trust we had built so strongly was thrown out the window. the worst part is he isn’t understanding any of my feelings. i think he had this idea in his head that because he finally grew the balls to tell me the truth, that i could be accepting and supportive of him. instead of recognizing how badly he hurt me by lying, he got mad that i was reacting with anger towards him. after 2 days (i know it wasn’t long enough) i decided to talk to him on the phone finally. all he did was react to my feelings with anger. he claimed he was unhappy in the relationship before telling me this, and gave me some bullshit reasons as to why. they were all “issues” that could have been solved immediately with a simple conversation if he just talked to me. so i called him out for that and said these issues he’s claiming we had are solely on him for lack of communication. he reluctantly agreed but the call was terrible. he was rude, came at me with anger, and did absolutely nothing to reassure me. he kept claiming he was sorry and that he wants to fix it, but nowhere in this phone call did i feel guilt, sadness, remorse, or even like any emotion besides anger. he told me that he wasn’t going to “beg on his hands and knees for me” that “if i wanted to leave him he knew i just would” and said other hurtful things to me. i just have no idea where this man came from. he used to buy me flowers weekly, spoil me endlessly, take me out on many dates, always honestly communicated everything with me. it feels like everything’s changed. he keeps saying he wants to fix it and prove to me he can change and get help. he’s meeting back with his old therapist he had when going through cancer, and told me he is going to get help about the porn addiction. the worst part is, he still hasn’t called it an addiction. he doesn’t even understand that watching so much porn has destroyed his attraction to me. we agreed to not contact each other other than talking about his therapy. i know that nothing can get fixed if he doesn’t fix the porn addiction. but the trust is so ruined. i’m 20 years old and this whole relationship crumbling isn’t my fault. i can wholeheartedly say i did nothing wrong. i didn’t cause the breakup, he did. i have super strong morals and i know i am a smart, beautiful, kind, confident, and strong young woman who any man would be lucky to have. i’ve been holding up quite well because i know breaking up with him was the right choice for me. i still have love for him but i really don’t know if there could ever be a future. after reading more about it, porn addiction in his age group is quite common. what should i do? should we stay broken up? this is such a unique experience i never thought would happen to me. thank you <3.

TL;DR: my boyfriend revealed he’s addicted to porn after 3 years of dating. we’ve been through a lot and i don’t want to throw it all away. however, all my trust in him is gone. after researching, i realized how common porn addictions are. anyone who has ever experienced something with them please give me any advice on whether you think the relationship is fixable after he recovers from his addiction.