Sometimes coming out doesn’t just change your relationship with one person - it fractures an entire family

My immediate family (brother + parents) were extremely close with my mum’s aunt and her two kids. We spent nearly every weekend together growing up, celebrated birthdays, weddings, everything. I was even a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding and became the godmother to her kids. They were basically our extended support system.

About 6 years ago, when I was 26, I came out. It took me a long time to do it and I tried to handle it carefully because my mum is very religious. Everyone else in the family was accepting except for her. I never expected her to change her beliefs overnight - I just wanted her to understand that it took me years to get to a place where I was happy and confident enough to share that part of myself.

Instead, it triggered a massive breakdown across the family.

My mum started fights with my brother and sister-in-law for supporting me, stopped talking to my aunt, and the regular family visits just… stopped. Birthdays stopped. Traditions stopped. It felt like the entire extended family fractured overnight, and even though I know logically it wasn’t my fault, it still felt like it started because of me.

Over time, my brother, sister-in-law, my partner and I kept seeing my cousin and her husband separately to maintain that relationship. But there was still a lot of tension in the background for years. My mum never really apologized for the conflicts she caused, and my sister-in-law eventually set boundaries about how people behaved around the kids.

Meanwhile my dad would vent to my cousin about how he “never gets to see the grandkids anymore,” but he left out the part where my mum was heavily influencing him not to visit. Because of that, my cousin and her husband eventually built this narrative that we were excluding my parents and somehow preventing them from seeing the kids.

One day at lunch they confronted us and the conversation turned into them basically making us feel guilty, like it was somehow our fault that my parents weren’t seeing the grandkids.

We calmly explained that it really wasn’t their place to step into that situation and that there were a lot of complex layers they didn’t fully understand - particularly the manipulation and pressure my mum had added into the dynamic.

My cousin and I eventually repaired things and we’re still close. But her husband has completely shifted towards me since then. He barely speaks to me, avoids conversation when we visit, and the vibe is just cold. I even babysat their kids recently and when he came home he sat on his phone the entire time, didn’t say thank you, and went straight to his room.

My cousin says he’s gotten “a bit conservative lately” and that they’ve had some struggles in their marriage, so she usually brushes off his behaviour as work stress, being tired, etc. She also doesn’t really address it when he’s rude or distant, which makes it feel awkward for everyone.

Now here’s the situation.

I’m getting married this year. My cousin is one of my bridesmaids and her kids are part of my bridal party. I’ve booked an estate where the bridal party will stay the night before and after the wedding.

And honestly the thought of him being there makes me really uncomfortable. The way he acts around me already feels cold, and part of me worries that if he has an issue with me being gay or has become less accepting, it’s going to create an uncomfortable environment during what’s meant to be one of the happiest weekends of my life.

At the same time, I don’t want to create more family tension or put my cousin in a difficult position. I also know a lot about him and his character that I don’t judge him for, so I’ve tried to keep the peace.

So I guess my question is: how do you maintain a close relationship with someone when their partner clearly doesn’t like you and when you’re worried they may not even fully accept who you are, without creating more drama or tension in the family?