34M in a turbulent relationship with my boyfriend 38M. I love him but I’m emotionally exhausted. Looking for outside perspectives.

I’m a 34M Malaysian working in Singapore. My boyfriend is Singaporean. We met on CMB in Dec 2024 and have been together for a little over a year.

We love each other, but our relationship has been extremely turbulent due to repeated conflicts and emotional escalations. I’m feeling exhausted and unsure whether this relationship is sustainable.

Background on him and his family

•	He is the only child.

•	His father has chronic mental health issues and can be unfriendly/unpredictable with guests.

•	His mother stopped working since last year to take care of his father; their marriage is functionally distant.

•	He grew up in a household where emotions could be intense and unpredictable.

Despite that, he has many positive qualities:

•	caring when I’m sick

•	generous with food, time, and resources

•	listens to my work/family concerns

•	honest and filial

•	helpful and loyal

Challenges in our relationship

1. Emotional instability / sudden breakups (Apr 2025)

   • Calls, arguments, or minor disagreements can escalate into sudden breakups via text or dramatic declarations.

   • After these breakups, he often blocks me, deletes chats, removes subscriptions, etc., before reconciling hours or days later.

2. Incident involving his mother (May 2025)

• During a trip with his mum, they argued at a bus stop and he shouted at her. She cried during the bus ride.

• He went upstairs on the bus while we stayed downstairs. She later got off and I followed to check on her. When he realised we left the bus earlier, he exploded at both of us at home.

• He shouted, packed the PS5 I gave him, said he would return the $10k I lent him, and told me to get out of his life.

• During the argument he even held a penknife to his neck threatening self-harm. His father eventually knelt to beg him to stop. It turned into a very emotional family scene.

3. Laptop / gift conflicts (Aug 2025)

   • Bought me a laptop as a surprise; I reacted not as per he expected because we had previously discussed not spending money.

   • Resulted in emotional tension and a brief breakup.

4. KL Hotel Fight (Nov 2025)

   • Discussion about independence of people who left home to study/work abroad vs men who served NS escalated; he interpreted it as criticism.

   • Raised his voice, smashed a table, crumpled a water bottle.

   • He left the hotel room dramatically, threw chocolates I refused from the balcony, declared a breakup.

   • Returned 1–2 hours later to reconcile, but values clashes remained unresolved.

5. Alcohol / waiting conflicts (latest Feb 2026)

   • He often drinks heavily at company events. (Not drunk till collapsed kind but obviously in his super high mode)

   • I waited him outside while he drank; sometimes until 2–3am then I waited for his return in his room.

   • Despite prior requests to drink less, he repeated the behaviour multiple times.

   • Small disagreements afterward triggered anger or accusations from him about my “coldness” or lack of concern.

Long-distance context / personal sacrifices

•	I left my job in Singapore last September without securing a new one.

•	I relied on my savings while job hunting.

•	Originally planned to move back to Malaysia to reduce costs, but stayed in Singapore longer to spend time with him.

•	Even after returning to Penang, I travelled back five times in six months to see him on special occasions like his birthday month or for interviews, which was financially and emotionally demanding.

•	Despite these efforts, conflicts still occurred over small matters during the limited time together.

My perspective

•	I love him and recognise his care and generosity.

•	The main problem is emotional instability and poor regulation during conflicts.

•	Even with repeated discussions about root causes, he often deflects blame, denies accountability, or interprets feedback as criticism.

•	I have forgiven multiple incidents but feel emotionally exhausted — like “a car by the roadside with no gas.”

•	During the most recent incident after the company drinking, I felt relief rather than heartbreak after the breakup, which made me realise how tolerant and drained I’ve been over time.

Questions for Reddit readers

1.	Does this relationship sound salvageable or fundamentally unhealthy?

2.	Are these behaviours realistically improvable without professional help?

3.	Am I wrong for bringing up past incidents when trying to address root causes?

4.	For those who have been in similar LDRs or emotionally turbulent relationships, what helped you decide whether to stay or leave?

TL;DR

I’m a 34M Malaysian in a long-distance relationship with a Singaporean boyfriend. We met in Dec 2024. I love him, and he is caring, loyal, and thoughtful, but our relationship has been extremely turbulent due to his emotional instability and repeated dramatic conflicts.

Background:

•	Only child, grew up in a household with emotional volatility.

•	Father has mental health struggles; mother is very emotional.

•	Despite challenges, he is caring, generous, and filial.

Relationship issues / examples:

•	KL hotel fight: Argument about independence vs NS escalated; he smashed a table, crumpled bottles, left dramatically, then returned hours later.

•	Penknife incident: Threatened self-harm during a family conflict.

•	Breakups & block cycles: Repeated sudden breakups, blocking/deleting chats, removing shared subscriptions.

•	Alcohol / waiting conflicts: He drinks heavily, disregards prior requests, small disagreements afterward escalate.

•	Gifts & misunderstandings: Laptop and other gifts caused conflicts when I didn’t react as he expected.

•	Bus incident with his mother: Argument escalated, he packed my gifts and threatened financial items; later reconciled.

LDR & personal sacrifices:

•	Left Singapore job last Sept, relying on savings.

•	Extended stay to spend time with him, travelled back 5 times in 5 months from Penang for interviews and birthdays.

•	Despite this effort, small conflicts still escalated.

My perspective:

•	I’ve forgiven repeatedly but feel emotionally drained, like “a car by the roadside with no gas.”

•	Love exists, but emotional stability and security are lacking.

•	Recently, I felt relief rather than heartbreak after another breakup, showing I’m mentally exhausted.

•	Despite discussions, he deflects blame, doesn’t fully acknowledge root causes, and repeats the same patterns.

Questions for Reddit:

1.	Is this relationship fundamentally unhealthy or salvageable?

2.	Can these patterns realistically improve without professional therapy?

3.	Am I wrong for bringing up past incidents to address root causes?

4.	For people in similar LDRs or emotionally turbulent relationships, how did you decide to stay or leave?

Optional note for readers:

•	This relationship shows elements of both peaceful love (care, loyalty, generosity) and trauma-bonded love (dramatic breakups, extreme emotional reactions, reconciliation cycles).

•	Love is there, but the emotional cost may be too high for long-term sustainability.