Been having ‘those’ thoughts for years, they’re only getting worse

I think I’ve had passive suicidal ideation for years. Just that thought, that desire in the back of my mind that something would happen to me, a car crash, being killed, a freak accident, anything, so I wouldn’t be the one to do it myself.

The prominent moment I remember is being on a plane about 4 or so years ago. I had been asleep, woke up to heavy turbulence. The plane free fell for a second, people screamed but I just felt calm, like even my body wanted it to be over, not one thought passed through my mind, just peacefulness. Maybe my mind was still asleep but I didn’t feel afraid and I’m terrified of flying. But that moment where it could have been over, nothing.

Fast forward years later, and it’s only gotten worse. My antidepressants I should have reordered after running out multiple times over are still full. I don’t take them, I don’t want to, I don’t deserve them, I don’t think they help anyway.

A couple of nights ago I was having a really bad episode, and in a brief moment I realised just how easy it would be. I could take all of those pills in one swoop, and fall into a sleep, and that would be it. Sleep has been my only escape for so long, I could fully embrace it, my passive thoughts became active that night. Obviously I didn’t do that, as writing this out instead.

I know the pain it causes. I lost family to suicide and it has completely destroyed me. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of them, mourn them, feel consumed by guilt and pain, wish I could join them. I do everything I’m supposed to, I go to group support for that specific type of bereavement, I have the stupid pills that don’t work. I call the hotlines. It’s been years, I’m just so fucking tired of this. I don’t know how many more I have in me.

I don’t want my ma to be sad. And that’s probably the only thing keeping me around right now. But even on that night, I didn’t think of her, I just saw peace ahead. I can’t tell her, she lost that family too. I tell myself I can’t do this to her, make her go through this again, but I can’t deny the thought of making her sad, is getting weaker now. I thought ‘if they did it, then why can’t I?’

They knew it would hurt us, their note said as much. That they were sorry and that they loved us. I would be sorry too, and love those I left behind.

I’m tired of holding on. I’m tired of life. I know people out there would see this and call me selfish, how could I do this to my family when I knew myself that it can destroy them. But how much further can a broken family be shattered, right?

I love ma. But I don’t know if it’s enough anymore.

I don’t plan on anything tonight. I think I just needed to write it down.