Mystery

Why? Why did you lie, indirectly and directly.

What the hell was that. This was all so easily avoidable.

I trusted you.

I live my life in my bubble but you came in and persisted. You were there and ensured me I was just overly cautious. Fair, I don’t branch out often.

You put my suspicions at ease anytime I had them and now I just look stupid because I was the only one that didn’t know.. how? Did they lie to make themselves feel better?

Why would they not say something to me fill me in rather than assuming that I was moving with some sick motives and how the hell were they okay with you being hung out publicly. It’s okay for them but what if I had done the same? What if I blew up over the slander, doxing and aggressive ‘healing’.. healing, right. Okay, sure. Not a power grab, right? Yeah, okay.

I have a lot of questions for them that I’ll never ask, points to make that feel very valid but it was best to let go. I knew it in the moment and I know it now, however, it doesn’t make it haunt me any less.

I took the hit and let everyone think what they wanted because I cared about you and your well-being.

Because I couldn’t join in in public humiliation they all decided that my lack of sharing personal detail or account was admission of guilt. My request for clarification wasn’t justified? I wasn’t allowed to be confused or hurt?

I accept that mistakes were made but that doesn’t mean that I will allow you back in my space any time soon. I left it all so that you could manage those friendships how you felt right.

I will never speak badly of you or wish you ill. I want you to grow and succeed, I am always going to be cheering you on from over here. I know you can do it, let me step away. At least for now.

I can’t erase what I now know, what was not told to me until they thought they could use it against me. God I have never felt more stupid. I thought they were my friends too, clearly they had other motives. Treating me like some kind of project. Like the villain in a story I didn’t even know I was a part of.

The truth is I just wanted genuine connection and friendship, nothing more. Just some loser that wanted to feel cared about. Embarrassing and pathetic. I hate confrontation, I never Seem to handle it right, best to retreat and hope I cause no harm, never standing up for myself and I hate that. I hate this trait.

Lesson learned.