Non-renewed

Got the news today I am not having my contract renewed for the next school year, which I am shocked about. I am a first year teacher doing SPED Self-Contained. I have grown a TON in this school year considering I got hired the day school started before I was even certified in SPED. I got the credentials and started looking into getting some courses in it. They’re now pushing for me to resign and saying it would look better. I love the kids and my job even if it’s hard. I liked it more than Gen Ed. But they said it’s a “bad fit” and “you probably don’t want to be in Special Ed.” They made sure to say I’ve never been late and they’ll give me good letter of recommendation (probably not now because I won’t resign). I’m just baffled because I thought I certainly had job security since this isn’t exactly a desirable job for most. I have theories. I have NEVER been told I need to fix something or I messed up or anything. Always good job and it’s a hard job. I never even had a formal observation. Just two informal and they were positive. My letter I had to sign says first year teachers don’t even have the right to get formal explanation. It just says I didn’t meet the goals for the admin, whatever that means. I am just shocked and angry and confused. It hurts so much seeing the kids now thinking I only have limited time with them now. And my financial situation. I JUST moved into a more expensive apt because I had a decent salary. Now I’m wondering if I’ll be unemployed again come summer. I have had long unemployment stretches because jobs (all jobs, not just teaching) are impossible to get here. Now I’m just ruminating thinking suicidal thoughts if I can’t get another teaching job. It’s weird too the principal almost lightly threatened me in person that resigning would fuck up my license and all the IEP meetings coming up…just got her and the asst. to tell me resigning looks better, I would just not have a job there, but basically I won’t get shit if I have to put non renewed on an application.

I’m just at a loss right now…