Referrals for psychotherapy declined again for being too "complex". Feel utterly hopeless that I'll ever be better.

MH services are such an odd system. It just fuels a viscious cycle of shame, atleast for me.

I'm talking mainly about the NHS in the UK but also private services too. I've been referred back and forth, often year long waitlists to end up at the wrong place, despite voicing what other professionals have said, and that my issues are severe trauma responses. Even just going to my doc for something simple like medication adjustments is an ordeal because it requires another lengthy referral back to an adhd doc which is viewed as a seperate matter, , then a year later the adhd doc refers me back because they can't address anything unrelated to adhd... My GP are the coldest people ever. I suspect they don't believe mh issues are real. One of them outright told me to kil myself once. Others have cut off medication without any warning. I dread anytime I have to contact them.

I feel like I have to accept an isolated life sentence, I've so much shame about my circumstances, being out of work for so long and not having done anything meaningful. The irony is that before things in my life escalated, I wanted to become a psychotherapist.

It feels like whenever I reach out for help, I am punished. I have tried so hard to help myself, sometimes in radical ways. Being obsessive about physical health, doing somatic work, turning to spirituality, volunteering etc. I've have difficulties trying to access private therapy too, one trainee jungian analyst accused me of wasting her time, and not taking her seriously as I was running late, and had forgotten to cash out money before the session. Others have said I don't want help and am not engaging properly. It's as if most of the people I've seen don't understand dissociation, or the effects of trauma. I don't have the fight in me to deal with this, especially not in such dynamics where I'm vulnerable by default.

Maybe acceptance is the next step. Isolation is the only thing that allows me dignity.