I’m about to lose my friend. Should I let him go? Or bow to his command? Or is there another secret 3rd way?

I’m about to lose my friend. It’s not an “If” but a “when”

TL:DR This is gonna take a min, sorry :)

He’s a good person and has helped me in the biggest way in: he let me come stay at his parents house 2 m ago when I was experiencing homelessness.

During this time he has also lived under this roof. He’s going through some things of his own—friendships dissolving, bad love life experiences, losing his job—all of this inspiring him to move abroad, which ive totally supported. He’s come to me a lot about how depressed he is, especially cause he feels like his core group of people have abandoned him—and I’ve been there every single time, talking him through it, telling him they’re in the wrong.

He has always supported me too. Unfortunately that changed 1 month ago, the night before he would leave the country.

To make him feel loved, a mutual friend (one that still respects him) and I collaborated on cooking him a goodbye dinner. He cut the evening short, claiming he was tired and wanted to go home. I believed him. When we got in the car, that’s when he casually mentioned “hey I want to go say goodbye to this friend, it’ll only take a minute”

The friend who he’s been complaining about. The friend who abandoned him. The friend he knows I feel uncomfortable being around & cannot hang out with. I agree cause I know how much he wants to get in their good graces, but also knowing I will have to wait in the car. I remind him and he’s like “I’ll be in and out”

We get to his house and I’m waiting in the car for an hour and a half before I hear ANY communication from him. By this point I’ve gone into the bar next door to get out of the cold. He texts “lol we’re coming to the bar”

Hold up, what? He’s bringing his friend to me and not even acknowledging I’m just waiting like an idiot, not even asking if this is okay with me??

I tell him: I will be leaving—I don’t wanna put myself in that position. What choice do I have? I drive his car around the corner to a safe place to wait.

Another 45 min goes by and he finally texts me “where are you, it’s freezing”. By this point I’m so hurt, I snap back “Oh, your Ubers not here yet”—petty of me, I am not proud of saying this. He ends up waiting a total of 10 min for me to get my things and come grab him. In the car he’s playing dumb or genuinely confused about why I’m upset.

I calmly talk him through it: if your friend had done this to you, how would you feel? Aren’t these the friends you say don’t respect you—why do you say how high when they say jump? Why did you leave me alone when I care for you and they don’t?

He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t apologize. It hurts so badly to be dismissed and treated like a dog left in a car.

After he leaves the next day, he texts me something vague, a half apology, which boils down to “sorry I’m going through a lot you should empathize with my plight”. That feels like another dismissal. I respond explaining it again, and he fires off another round of excuses. The hurt!! We’re going around in circles. I don’t have anything to add, so I don’t.

Weeks pass and he sends a “Hey how’s it going”. It feels…empty. What could I say? “You aren’t listening”. I can’t think of how to respond when I’ve exhausted all my explanations already.

A few days later this pops up in my inbox: “We need to talk”.

Im aghast, because what happened that he feels slighted? I am wondering what to say. Before I can type, he sends me this:

     —- “I don’t know what your plan is here, but you cannot ghost me like this. Are you planning to just treat me this way in person also? Because that is not acceptable. 

I was pretty open with you about how frail my connections with everyone were, so for you to ghost me is extra painful and extra messed up.

I’m assuming your judgment is clouded or your reality is distorted, because what happened at ____ was not deserving of this, and you have now taken your own revenge by: Literally stealing my vehicle Berating me Ghosting me

Not having heard from you in a month, I can only assume you think those actions were justified by your emotional state that night. Well they were not.

This is a betrayal that I did not expect from you.”——-

I’m astounded. Huh??? Where is this coming from, and why wait 3 weeks to accuse me were this true? It hurts so bad!! My reply was saying “I honor your feelings but this doesn’t feel constructive to call me vengeful, this is what happened…”

Immediately he fires back, doubling down on me. I try to tell him I have the receipts & what happened. He keeps accusing over and over, claiming “You have yet to admit your crimes in this situation. As of right now you have not taken accountability for your actions…

    …you have still not even acknowledged that what you did was messed up. 

I’m not trying to leverage my good behavior against my bad behavior, I apologized for my role in what happened that night multiple times now, and I think even you would admit that you know I did not intend for it to go down that way, and that it was not malicious. I did not choose what happened.

However, you did choose to steal my vehicle, strand me far from home, and then be totally nasty, berate me and yell at me for what happened. That is not justified and I have not heard any kind of accountability from you.

I know this is a tough conversation to have, but if we can’t resolve this, there’s a high likelihood we won’t be able to before the wedding and that has other implications. “

I’m stunned. And totally heartbroken!!!! He’s hurt me and now he’s accusing me!! But I love him, he’s been a wonderful friend and an important part of my life for over a decade.

ALSO: he’s coming back to attend a wedding with me for his sibling. We have to live in the same house again, under his parents watchful gaze. There’s pressure for me to make things right, for the sake of the family, and my ability to stay here.

I’m in this terribly awkward position. How would I make him feel heard without acquiescing to his libel about me? If I validate his feelings it may make him think he’s in the right. He hasn’t listened to my side of the story ONCE this entire 4 weeks. If anything, it’s escalated. It feels impossible to even get through to him!!!

And I have to do this on the most important day of his brothers life, causing tension in the family’s day of celebration plus jeopardizing the roof over my head.

I’m an empath and i feel like maybe he’s going through so much, he’s probably distressed. But I can’t figure out how to honor my truth and his at the same time!!!!

I’m beyond confused and so so hurt. He’s the only friend I have left after becoming homeless. If he’s proven he won’t listen to my story and instead weaponizes my hurt against me, how do I extend an olive branch without sacrificing my dignity?

Btw. He told his parents, so now they’re playing mediator and there’s pressure on me to bow down—ganging them up against me!

Thanks for listening and reading. 💗