Advice for a late bloomer who has suppressed my feelings for years

This is a bit of a confession and a long story, and honestly I hope I’m never discovered telling it. I feel a little paranoid just writing it, haha.

I’m a bisexual woman in my 30s, and I’ve had a crush (maybe even been in love) with one of my best friends for at least 10 years. Ever since we met at work (2016) there’s been this kind of sexual tension between us. Over the years she’s made comments here and there (she’s only dated men, but she’s never really defined herself as straight) about finding me attractive. When she gets drunk she would sometimes give me little pecks on the lips or jokingly say we should be together. Things like that have happened countless times throughout our friendship.

I’ve always been attracted to her, and at one point it all became so intense for me (especially because her comments kept feeding my curiosity) that it was actually part of the reason I ended up breaking up with the boyfriend I had at the time.

Not long after that, I asked her out and made it clear that I wasn’t asking as a friend, but because I felt something more. We went out together a couple more times, and eventually I told her that I’d had feelings for her for years. She told me she felt the same way, and even said she thought about marrying me and having a family (those were her exact words).

A few weeks after that conversation, COVID hit. We went into lockdown, and although we kept talking all the time, we never brought up the idea of being “something more” again.

In 2021, when restrictions lifted, she started a relationship with a man… and so did I. I still had feelings for her, but I kept pushing them down because sometimes I feel like I’m crazy and just imagining something that isn’t really there.

Eventually she ended her relationship and moved to Europe. We’ve stayed close and kept our friendship going. Every now and then, though, I still catch myself thinking about her as more than a friend.

Recently she told me she’s moving back to the US, and that as soon as she gets here she wants to come visit me (I don’t live in the same city anymore). Since then, I’ve imagined and fantasized about a thousand different scenarios: her arriving, me finally telling her how I feel again, her saying she feels the same way. It just feels like we once had such intense conversations that somehow led nowhere.

She’s always had issues with commitment and relationships, so sometimes I wonder if she just ran away from what she was feeling for me.

I have talked about this with mutual friends over the years and they also think that (at least back then) there was tension or she felt some thing for me.

So I guess what I’m really asking is: am I crazy and just making this all up in my head? Should I tell her how I feel again, or would that risk ruining our friendship? I feel really lost. I’ve been carrying these feelings for years, and sometimes it feels like I can’t fully be with anyone else because I always end up thinking about her—and about what we could have been.