Source
r/Parenting•
smallstakes

Need advice on introducing 14 month old to new sibling

I'm 37 weeks pregnant with baby #2, and my daughter is nearly 14 months old.

I've tried to read up on how to best manage the transition for our daughter, but everything I've found seems to be aimed at kids older and more aware than her (2+). She's a pretty typical 14 month old - walks confidently and uses a small number of words but understands a lot of what I'm saying. She's very strong-willed (and strong) but still very young and communication can be a barrier.

We've talked about her little brother for a long time now. She's very interested in my growing belly and a couple of days ago when we said baby boy's name, she pointed to my belly. We've read some books to her about a baby coming to live with us and she comes to all my prenatal appointments. While I have no doubt she's taken some of that in, I doubt she has any concept of what it actually means. We use baby boy's name a lot at home and have shown her where he'll sleep and where his clothes are kept, and we always include her when talking to my belly or feeling him kick. So I'm certain that she knows something is happening.

Our plan is that when she comes to visit at the hospital (she'll be staying with my sister while I'm in hospital) we'll bring her into the room by herself, so it's just our little family, and we can introduce them. Then after a while we'll let my sister and whoever else is there come in to meet him - that way she's not overwhelmed by extra people or all the attention.

I've read about buying a gift from the baby to the older sibling - but I don't think there's much point in this as she doesn't understand gifts at all. We have bought her a doll which she can play with while I'm feeding and changing nappies, should we give that to her now or after her brother is born? What else can we do to make this transition easier for her? I feel sad for her that her life is going to change so much and she has no idea what's coming. I guess I'm just looking for advice from people who have been through this before, with kids so close together in age. Also any tips on surviving the day to day - I'm a SAHM and a little bit concerned that I may never get a morning shower again.

Posted Nov 28, 2013, 11:41 AM UTC

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SwivelChairMadness•

I would really encourage you NOT to have the baby in the room when she gets to the hospital. That way, your arms are open for her. Then she and Dad or Aunt or whoever can go to the nursery and "get the baby." That way the baby comes into the family by her doing. (I know she's young, but we did this when our second was born and I swear it helped pave the road for a really lovely relationship between them.)

One thing that really helps with the attention/jealousy issue is speaking out loud to both of them. Just as you'd say to the toddler, "I need to help the baby right now," sometimes make sure that you're saying to the baby, "I need to help your big sister right now. You'll have to wait, baby." (The baby won't really care, but his sister will understand that she's not the only one who's made to wait.)

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melody-lee•

Agreed. She isn't going to care so much about the new baby as much as she will about seeing you after being apart. Seeing you with the new baby might make her more upset.

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smallstakesOP•

My hospital doesn't have a nursery, only rooming-in with the mother so that won't be possible. But I had definitely considered making sure I wasn't holding him when she comes in, I want to be able to give her a big hug.

That's a good point about speaking to both of them, thank you! I did have someone else tell me to make sure I attend to her first sometimes when they're both upset since she will be aware of being made to wait. I'd never even considered that before.

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Ensvey•

Just let it happen. It probably won't be a big deal to your daughter. You're lucky in that she is probably young enough that she won't get jealous right away, that will probably happen a few months down the road :-D

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am-i-ginger•

Totally agree. My boys are 17 months apart. When I brought home my younger son from the hospital, son #1 walked up to the car seat, glanced at his new brother, and walked away. LOL No jealousy, no issues. Now of course, personality has a bit to do with it. But at 14 months, I don't think you'll have a lot of issues. Good luck!

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jmurphy42•

I was 20 months when my brother was born, and family legend has it that when they walked in the door I insisted repeatedly "xxx cryin', take him back!" Apparently I was very put out when they wouldn't return him to the hospital.

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smallstakesOP•

Ha, hopefully we'll get that reaction as well. She's pretty easy-going and doesn't seem easily bothered so we'll have to wait and see. Thank you :)

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zombiesinlondon•

My oldest was about 19 months when my youngest was born. What we did was buy her a baby doll that came with it's own doll stroller, pacifier, pack and play, and a blanket. We told her that it was her baby and taught her how to care for it. Once my youngest was born, when we had to care for her, we'd encourage my oldest to do the same things for "her baby." This really helped her feel involved and has helped a lot with jealousy issues. Once my youngest was a little older and a little less breakable, we let my oldest help with her directly. She gets to grab diapers, go say hello to her first when we go to pick her up from napping, help pick clothes, etc. Of course, this also led to having to construct her own "moby" to mimic me with the baby.

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smallstakesOP•

Oh she's adorable! We have bought a doll, and I was planning on waiting until we bring baby home but I might give it to her now so we can get in the habit of playing with it before he's born.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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smallstakesOP•

Thank you! I guess I'll just have to wait and see how she takes it. She's generally a pretty easy-going kid so hopefully she'll adapt pretty quickly. Congrats on the new baby :)

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HurricaneBrum•

My girls are 15 months apart. From experience I would tell you that you have nothing to worry about.

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smallstakesOP•

This is reassuring, thank you :)

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housebrickstocking•

I've heard it is best to have them meet each other shoulder to shoulder, not face to face, on neutral territory. Keeping the area clear of things that they could be possesive or agressive about is important too...

Oh wait, no that is dogs - I reckon you just introduce the little fuckers and let them sort it out.

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Nanner99•

My boys are 16 mos apart and the transition was a breeze. The only issue I had was my toddler wanting my attention/ needing something while I had to deal with the baby. But no jealousy and the older one learned to be gentle pretty quickly. The boys also have a sister 23 mos younger than the 2nd boy and that was no problem either. The hard stuff comes when they get a little older and start fighting. Constantly. Lol.

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smallstakesOP•

Haha, everyone with kids close together tells me they're best friends... when they're not fighting.

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[deleted]•

I only have one child, so I'm sure other people will give you better advice, but since you'll be spending a looot of time sitting down feeding the baby, maybe you should think of activities for your little girl to do while you're doing that. Pinterest has some great ideas for activities for little kids.

I think your daughter is bound to be jealous. My daughter (who's the same age as yours) gets outraged when I hold other people's babies. So try to keep things consistent for your daughter regarding her usual routines, and make sure she gets lots of cuddles.

Will there be someone at home to help you for the first couple of weeks?

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Embersilverly•

Seconded on the activities piece. When my sister was born , my mom had a box of stuff for me to play with when mom was busy with the baby.

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smallstakesOP•

We went to visit a friend's newborn last week, and I held that baby for a good half hour and I don't think she even noticed! But I'm sure when it's happening multiple times every day she'll feel differently.

My husband will be home for the first month or so which will help A LOT.

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juhesihcaaaTwins girls 3/14/11•

Some kids just won't care. We recently took our 2.5 year old twins around a 6 week old. They didn't care at all that I was holding and cuddling the baby.

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akn429•

My two oldest are 14 months apart exactly and the nice thing about it for me was that mine hadn't gotten the concept of jealousy at that age so we didn't have any issues at all with that. Before my second and third were born we'd play with a baby doll and go over things like not poking eyes. Didn't help a ton with my 14 month old but it might with yours :) We'd do things like We touch cheeks softly, We touch the forehead, We don't touch the eyes! We don't touch the mouth! While touching the baby doll. The biggest problem I had with mine that were really close together was when my older one went through a biting phase. He'd go in to give sister a kiss then end up biting her head :/ It's a bit stressful at first having two babies at the same time but it's so nice now that they're older and very close :)

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smallstakesOP•

Oh this is such a good idea, thank you! She has no concept of "gentle" at the moment so we might practice with a doll before baby arrives.

She's just come out of the kissing/biting phase - she gave me her first real kiss the other day! - so hopefully that won't return.

Thank you - how old are yours now?

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akn429•

Mine are 8, 7, and 5 now. That's good that she's over the biting thing :)

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volcboy84•

Thank you for asking this question. We have a 14 month old girl at home, and my wife is 27 weeks pregnant with another.

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