Sisters friend is an alcoholic and we’re running out of solutions. Thinking about stepping away.

I’m sorry if this seems heartless, I know it does.

This person is an alcoholic, we are based in the UK. His family have all cut ties with him. He solely relies on his husband, relationship is at risk because of his alcoholism. He recently got in touch with my sister, and has been a constant in our lives ever since (roughly about four months ago). He is 56 years old and he is a nurse that specialises in drugs and alcohol abuse. He is still practicing despite his own alcohol abuse.

My (F26) older sister (F37) met him when they were studying at university, they lost touch right after studies ended and this reconnection has been very out of the blue. Ever since, it seems he has been relying on her for ALL of his care relating to his dependency.

She has/ is doing the following:

Keeping track of his appointments with the AA clinic.

Trying to document his PIP paperwork.

Calling the crisis team, and taking him to appointments with relevant professionals.

Calling him to remind him of important phone calls.

Aiding with paperwork regarding his finances.

Calling his car provider after he was in an accident related to DUI and arranging his car to be taken.

Opening our home for him to stay with us for a while so he could quit without going to rehab (he will not go).

He refuses to go to AA Or the drugs and alcohol centre for support because he knows all of the workers there and is embarrassed. Whenever she schedules a phone call with the crisis team or any other area that relate to his alcoholism he will slam the phone down and say that the caller was rude or stupid. So she has to start again, he talks about suicide and when we call the crisis team he gets upset and refuses to see professionals, and will lie to appear like he is okay. He will say he wants to be coddled since he knows he’s bad at helping himself, but any advice he is given that he doesn’t like the sound of, he will respond with “I’m 56 years old, nobody can tell me what I can and can’t do”.

The reason I’m writing this now is basically because of a recent development. My sister DRAGGED him into hospital after a pretty horrible suicidal rant in our home, and he was cleared for a chemical detox (worth around £10,000 privately, and you’re not eligible to get another). He was admitted for a few days.

He seemed to be making steady progress. This week, he has started drinking again, he admitted to it on Tuesday but that is was only a small slip and he is going to lie to his doctor about it (we made our stance clear to him that that was a bad idea that we didn’t support) and he recently visited us in his car stinking of cider and slurring his speech. He is blaming the drugs and alcohol centre for not giving him his prescription, it seems he needed to call them for a resupply but didn’t.

He is pushing his husband away so he can drink on his own, and his husband is getting tired of it and their relationship is on the rocks. This man is on the verge of losing his house, and his job, his sole crutch is his husband helping him with bills. He will end up with nobody if he doesn’t get help.

But everything we try to do, he will ignore or just not comply. How do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped? My sister is over with helping him so much now, and is currently writing to him to make this clear, she wishes to still make calls to relevant professionals to keep an eye on him, but she doesn’t wish to do all of the work anymore.

It has been so frustrating to watch as an outsider, and I’m insulted on my sister’s behalf that all of her efforts seem to have been taken for granted. This person has been to our house on multiple occasions and he is a lovely person when he isn’t drunk. He is struggling, and I want him to be okay. I consider him a friend too, it is so hard to watch him suffering like this.

What more can we do? I feel obliged to look out for my sister before anyone else in this. She’s the healthcare professional and knows more about this. All I can do is provide emotional support for this man and help make our home welcoming when he was with us. I know he needs help, and I was completely on board with helping before this recent incident, and the fact that he’s lying about it and still trying to get more help from my sister for his care doesn’t sit right with me.

I’m sorry if this sounds all over the place and hard to follow. I’m just getting all of my feelings out there. My sister is a lot more clear headed about this and doesn’t feel the same anger I’m experiencing. I feel guilty for feeling angry. I want to strap him to a chair and wheel him into a rehab facility. He needs 24 hour surveillance. Something we can’t do. I can’t think of anything that we haven’t tried to do, and at the end of it all, we both don’t want to watch him die slowly. I’m afraid he’ll freak out when he realises we don’t wish to stand by him anymore and hurt himself more. Are we doing the right thing for stepping back?