Questions about kinks and fetishes from a porn addict. Should I accept them or try to suppress them?

Hi, I (23M) wanted to make this post because I thought this community would have an interesting perspective on this. I'm autistic and I have been seeing a therapist for a number of things, but mainly porn addiction and social anxiety. I have developed a lot of kinks and fetishes during my more than a decade of watching porn and now that I'm trying to quit I don't know what to do with them. Especially with the cuckolding/humiliation fetishes that I got into in the last couple of years. It's a long post, the first part I explain my fetishes and the second I ask for advice. The first part is for context but maybe not really necessary, but I just like talking about it and venting. If it's too long you can skip to the trying to quit section.

Kinks/fetishes

I started watching porn when I was around 10 years old. At first I got into public porn and orgies. Then I think around 15 I started getting into incest porn. I ran into captioned porn pictures and videos which I loved because they were both visually and psychologically stimulating. The appeal of incest porn for me was the taboo but also the complete unconditional love and acceptance it implied for me. It's the same reason I also like breeding fantasies and cumshots, especially when the girl is really into it and sticks her tongue out and makes eye contact. It makes me feel wanted.

I really liked brother/sister and mother/son porn but eventually daddy/daughter porn became my favorite. I really like the power dynamic of a big strong masculine man and a hot submissive girl who is desperate to please him. Pretty much dd/lg but not with the girl acting underage, that creeps me out. Just a clear dom/sub dynamic with daddy dirty talk is what I like/liked. I watched a lot of porn captions and read a lot of erotica, in various places like reddit and literotica.

At some point I think around 19 I started to get bored with just incest porn. I felt like I had read every father/daughter erotic story and had seen every father/daughter caption there was out there. I started to get into more cruel, violent and misogynistic porn. I did not like seeing the actual violence, but the psychological/emotional cruelty of rape and misogyny really turned me on. But I also really hated myself for liking this porn. Porn subs like r/misogynycaptions or r/churchofmen were bad enough, but then I ran into even more fucked up subs like r/fuckingevil and r/badmomsworsemen. The first one got banned a long time ago and I hope the other one as well. The first one was about women fucking evil men because they're evil, basically fetishizing evilness. Then the second sub was like a subsection of the first about the fetish of a mother deliberately dating rapists so they could abuse their daughters. The content on there would be like a caption of a mother masturbating while listening to her daughter getting raped.

As much as I hate this the cruelty and wrongness of it still turns me on. I never ever want to actually hurt someone or do something non-consensual.

I think because I had so thoroughly explored being dominant, powerful and sadistic in sexual fantasies and because I very much did not like where it was leading me, I started to explore being submissive, powerless and masochistic. I first tried sissy porn, but I could never get myself to like it that much. Basically, I had fetishized the idea of a woman being a desperate submissive cumslut for powerful men so much that I wanted to imagine being that woman myself. I could never really get into the gayness of the fantasy however, especially after I orgasmed.

Then at some point, when I really started to internalize a negative identity for being unable to quit porn, I started to get into cuckolding and humiliation and loser fetishes. All of these are basically sexualizing shame and feeling unwanted and not good enough. There were subreddits with captions humiliating you for being a loser or a virgin, or being unable to quit porn.

The fantasy I liked the most out of these was cucking. Because this is my most recent kink it's also the one that turns me on the most. I love the idea of having a hot sexual girlfriend but being unable to satisfy her because I'm not masculine enough and sexually inadequate in every way, for example because my dick is too small, even though it's quite average. I love the idea of being so pathetic that I would let her or even want her to have sex with other better men with bigger dicks. I love the idea of her agreeing with me that sex isn't really for me because I'm such a beta loser. I love the idea of her bull being better than me in every way and that he humiliates me in front of her. I love the idea of him being amazing at sex and her being a complete submissive slut for him.

I mixed the cuck fetish with the incest fetish as well. On r/fatherbull for example the idea is that your own father is the bull that she has sex with. Also on r/bangmybully the idea is that all the women that you love, like your gf/sister/mom all fall for and have sex with the guy who bullies you. I read so many erotic stories and watched so many captioned videos about these fantasies. For example, Brad the bully is one of my favorite stories. There the bully slowly starts fucking the guy's mom and girlfriend, eventually in front of him as well, and they all act like it's normal. I also love the way he gets subtly humiliated in every day life, like when he and his mom go to buy condoms and she argues in front of the cashier that he should get extra small condoms while she gets XXL, ''for her boyfriend''.

These cuck fantasies get me fucking high. They make me feel so deliciously pathetic and submissive. When people talk about subspace I imagine that's what they're talking about. I love the emotional masochism and humiliation of it.

Trying to quit

Porn really isn't good for me. I'm ashamed of it, I use it to emotionally regulate and I use it as a substitute for human connection. It can also take up way too much time such that it interferes with my life.

I've been able to quit for 4-8 weeks many times, but I'm always constantly thinking about those kinks and I eventually always 'relapse'. Right now I've been able to quit for 6 weeks with the help of my therapist. Sharing it with her really helped me to not feel so hopeless and increases my willpower because there is an agreement that I don't want to break.

I want to quit because I want to set myself up for a healthy romantic sexual relationship. I'm afraid that I have ruined my brain and maybe my dick as well, and that the first time I try to have sex I won't be able to get aroused. I hate having explored my sexuality so thoroughly already and having such extreme fantasies while having absolutely no sexual experience at all.

Now the problem I run into is this: I am confident I can stay away from porn with the help of my therapist but I am still fantasizing about and masturbating to these kinks, mainly the cuck loser humiliation kinks. I don't think I can stop this. When I try to suppress those thoughts they come back stronger and it becomes more likely that I go to porn again, and when I try to masturbate to anything but the humiliating fantasies it's very tough to orgasm.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't think I ever want a cuckold relationship, because it just seems like a way too risky and bad idea. I'm also terrified that it would become public. It also just seems like an unhealthy desire, motivated purely by lust and insecurity. Also an actual cuckold relationship would probably not be like my fantasies. My girlfriend would not be a perfect slut and the bull would not be a perfect stud. I think I just want a 'normal' relationship built on trust and love, and to then see where we take our sex life.

But suppressing those humiliation fantasies also doesn't really feel right, it feels like I'm placing a negative value judgment on those fantasies compared to the dominant fantasies while in theory they're both okay.

The addict in me just wants to jerk off telling himself something like: 'Just accept that you're a loser cuck and that you're never going to get rid of those kinks'.

I don't know. I'm just going to keep abstaining from porn and over time analyze what to do with these fantasies. My therapist suggested seeking out a bdsm kind of gathering to see if it's something for me, but I don't know how to do that and if I have to sign up with my name then I don't want to.

For now I need to start making some friends and find a community and hopefully start dating at some point.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading this far if you have. I would love to hear you guys' perspective on this. Have any of you experienced something similar? I would also be curious to hear from people who've been in a cuckold relationship, if it's possible for it to be healthy.