Do I continue to call him my husband or not?

Let me start with a background. I met my sweet love Greg in 1998 when we were both going through AA and newly sober. We met in AA and through a group of friends. We hit it off right away and had an immediate chemistry and attraction to one another. However, I had just broken up with an abusive alcoholic boyfriend and was trying to rebuild my life. I was in a halfway house but eventually got my own apartment and began to work and support myself. Greg lived in an apartment of his own and was on disability (he formerly worked for many years but was now on SSDI). We were friends and "dated" for seven years. Greg told me right away that he was HIV+ since 1989. We never had intercourse for that reason, but also because he was a Christian (I was not yet until later), and because I have never had a desire or interest in sex and had been assaulted and traumatized by my ex. We both respected each others views and experience. We did hug, hold hands, very rarely kissed, and we sometimes slept in the same bed though never naked with one another (when I would spend weekends at his apartment or house).

After seven years we made the decision to move in together. By then he had bought a house. We intended to get married, but due to him being on disability (SSDI and Medicare and Medicaid etc) we ran into a huge obstacle. To marry, he would have lost much of his disability health insurance that paid for very expensive medications and procedures he needed. By then he also had severe rheumatoid arthritis and lung disease from that. I was working full time but my very meager income was just enough to knock him off many important programs but not enough to afford to pay for his medical care with other insurance. We went to his social worker at the county level, went to Medicare and state insurance specialists, when to HIV specialists and many more trying to find a way to make it work but financially if we married it would cost him too much and be too risky for his healthcare. Financially his medical needs would break us. We tried to get married just by the church alone but not by government, but we could not find a pastor, including our own (I was Christian by then) willing to do it that way. None had ever tried it and were not sure how that would work legally or in church view.

In the end we lived together for twenty years unmarried by law. But I feel that we lived as if we were married. We were extremely committed to one another. We took care of each other through many trials. We worked out differences and we grew in our relationship with one another and in Christ. We had devotions most evenings together and we did almost everything together. We still did not have intercourse and after I moved in we slept in separate beds. Part of this was for medical reasons as his lungs had begun to fail from rheumatoid arthritis attacking them and he needed oxygen equipment, but much of it was by choice. I paid utility bills and he paid his mortgage until the house was paid off. He always reported my income on his disability papers and what I contributed and it was never an issue because the state and federal government considered us as unmarried cohabitants and we played by their rules. We had our own bank accounts and health insurance etc (he would never qualify for mine).

When he required a double lung transplant to keep living, I helped him and took care of many of the logistics of airplane travel with oxygen, moving out of state temporarily with him to be near his transplant center, caring for him around the clock while working full time etc. When he ended up with metastatic lung cancer after his transplant, I brought him to all his oncology and transplant appointments and continued to take care of him, all the way up to his last dying breath. We made sure to get my name on his healthcare directive as his primary agent to make decisions for him in an incapacitated state, and I did have to when he was on a ventilator at one point. We did this because I did not have rights as his wife automatically but I was his sole caretaker. I sacrificed much of my own life to be his caretaker because I truly loved him. We had the house deed put in both our names as joint tenants, and had PODs on bank accounts and TODs on our vehicles. Everything we had we shared within a legal framework. He was the one who introduced Jesus into my life. He loved me unconditionally and beautifully for many years. We had what would have been a perfect marriage....except we were not married by law.

I don't feel comfortable calling him my "significant other" or "boyfriend" or anything other than my husband I was completely devoted to. Even the funeral director put me down as his wife. We had so much more than just a casual relationship. But I understand legally I do not have rights as a wife. He had no life insurance and I did not benefit from his SSDI, it just ended when he died. I knew this and planned for continuing to support myself on my own. He had no life insurance and I paid for his death, funeral, burial etc out of pocket but with help from family and friends. I put as much into our house as he did. I am in the process of cleaning up a mess he left behind. Surprisingly I have not had a lot of difficulty so far. But the biggest thing is this. We had stopped going to church around 2019 because he was so sick. We watched the service online for years and the church merged with another so we no longer knew most of the people there or the new pastor. I went back into the church after he passed away seeking a community and because his health was no longer a barrier. None of them know we weren't legally married, though we have different last names. No one has asked. I call him my husband. But am I lying? One person did ask when we were married and I sort of beat around it somehow. I think I used our moving in date as our union. I am terrified of opening up about this. I am afraid people will be angry with me or think I am a liar of phony. But I also don't want to launch into a huge explanation every time either. I would never feel the same if I continued to call him my husband when people found out, but I can not call him anything less. Its made me want to consider leaving the church and just worshipping alone. I regret that we didn't at least get married when he was on hospice but that too might have complicated legal matters with his care.

I'm not sure whether to continue to just play along as things are and let it go, or what. i have prayed to God about it but He has provided no concrete solutions. Both our families have no problem with me calling Greg my husband. Friends don't mind. Many people are envious of what we had together. I grieve for him every single day. He passed away July of 2025. I think it would break me to be convicted by the church, but I feeling I may be sinning by not being honest either.