The Urge to Become Worse

I am a 14-year-old girl struggling with depression. I have been struggling with depression as young as 8 or 9 years of age. Thinking back on it, many factors can be attributed to this.

One being my mother. My mother is a very complex character. She had a very difficult upbringing, being the breadwinner of her family. My grandfather was a mason, and my grandmother was doing a whole lot of jobs. My mother practically raised her 3 siblings, one of them being mentally challenged. She put her two sisters through school and finished school herself. After which, becoming a receptionist at the hotel where she'd eventually meet my father.

I don't know much about my father. All I knew was that I was an accident baby, resulting from a one-night stand. I would meet my father often as a child, but only yearly.

Because my father was well off, I had a lot of extracurricular activities. You could say that I am a "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" type of character.

But then my parents fell out of love. They never married, so there was no divorce. I was the only proof of their love. To this day, I sort of still feel guilty for inherently tying them to each other. They both could have been great.

So then they were separated, my mother became harsher, my father distanced himself, and I was left to pick up the pieces of a broken family. Of course, I don't resent them at all; it's just that it was quite a lot for a kid to handle.

And then my mother got pregnant again, and I got jealous.

I treated my sister badly out of jealousy, and my mother always took her side. One thing led to another, and I was completely and utterly alone in the world.

No amount of family vacations, instrument classes, or sports classes could then fix me.

So now we're back to the present day. I am a consistent academic achiever, always within the top 10 rankings, and a fierce competitor in many competitions. But those are nothing in the face of my depression.

I can't hear the audience's applause over the sound of me drowning.

I am drowning, yet no one is seeing it because I am independent. No one can see it because I am completely self-sufficient and aware of my problems. "I don't need therapy, I'm self-aware!" I say as I repeat the same bad cycle I've been in since I was nine.

Maybe it truly is my phone, or maybe even the pandemic, but something had broken within me when I was young to cause this. I am burning, and I can't do anything about it.

I want to be worse, to let my grades decline and my posture sag, just so that I can prove to the masses that I truly am not okay.

I want to slit my wrists and put it on display for the world to see that I am suffering.

And I feel so guilty for that because I know so many more people are suffering worse than I. I eat three meals a day! I shower every day, I have access to my most basic needs... and yet I am depressed.

I want to commit suicide, I've even tried overdosing before, but nothing works. I've tried self-harm, but it still doesn't work. My goal isn't pain, it's to finally be free of whatever is choking me.

My depression has gotten so bad that I have to resort to the internet for this. I just want to be me again. I haven't felt myself in years.