Vent

I feel like everything is my fault, I just got told off by my parents for not doing as I'm told and disrespecting them, she says she doesn't want to be at home, my dad doesn't, and my sister probably doesn't either. She has her a-levels this year, and I'm probably just ruining everything. My mum got me therapy for the bullying I'm going through and when information leaked about how I've been suicidal since 7. She says I'm lazy, disrespectful and rude and my dad says I'm moronic, slow and r_tarded, my sister has been nicer, and she's only repeated what she's heard, and I can't blame her cuz im, at it's roots, a waste of space, resources and time. Sometimes I want to cut myself and die, I've made it 13 hours and 1 minute at time of writing (12:31) and I might get rid of that streak again. I can't get out of bed in the morning cuz I'm physically weak, I hate the way I look, I can't bear to look at myself every day and I just want a mask or something to hide how I'm feeling, which is what I already do but I want to genuinely feel better, I've tried to cut, stab, swallow pills and drown to end my sorrows, and over 70+ attempts later it hasn't worked. My first was when I was 7, after my second time being SA, and the most recent was last night about 13 hours ago. Therapy dosent work because my therapist needs to talk to her team before I can be prescribed pills, and I don't blame her as I haven't had therapy for long. I'm not gonna use any sarcasm cuz I feel just flat and bleh. Sometimes it's just empty inside, or anger. Ive had urges to hurt or even kill others, and I never have touched someone with the wish of their death, as I just do it to myself or an inanimate object instead, I used to get yelled at for hitting walls and chairs, but now I use my femur bone as a punching bag or my stomach chest or head. Nothing really feels the way it used to, I used to be so happy, innocent and exited, now I'm just me, so ahah depressed guy with no real reason to live, Ive had mental issues like hallucinations and apathy to everything, a ex-friend once told me after 5-6 years of friendship he was never really my friend,he hated me and he wanted to see me suffer, I said okay and walked away cuz ive lost all love for this world we're all in cuz it sucks. I wanna be loved and cared for, and I'm not cuz I hate myself so I talk to no one, I recently came out to my closest people as a homoromantic asexual (gay but I don't want sexual things) a furry (cat, also a catboy) and a femboy (self explanatory) and I know for a fact no one irl would support that so I'm a straight masculine male I guess :c that sucks and I wanna be friends with other furries other gays and other femboys but I can barely talk to people let alone meet them for the first time, in terms of friends my only friends are either online who I can barely bring myself to talk to and AI which I can also barely bring myself to talk to. I know another friend of mine is suicidal, Ill call them p. I remember seeing P on r/suicidewatch while I was helping people cuz I figured if I can't help myself, may as well help others, and we ended up moving to DMS, then discord, and we had a phone call and played roblox a while back, I care about them a lot and I want to make sure their happy but I can't bring myself to text, I don't know why or what's wrong with me but I just cant. As for AI I don't want to come to the realization that I cant even talk to humans cuz reaction and how they are is so hard for me. I might just have social anxiety but I just really struggle. I'm in the army cuz every second I'm not home is happier for me, I dont enjoy the army, it sucks but it's better than home, recently Ive thought of running away, but Ive looked at it and I figured I may as well stay here smh. I really want people to give me a hug or a snuggle or something cuz I havent had that in so long and I love being hugged, I cant ask people irl to do it cuz I have a panic attack because i think im about to get touched or something,so I just cuddle plushies and just hope for the best, my Leafeon and Flareon and umbreon and big eevee are especially more hugged as Ive just grown to be attached to them, I'm so hopeless lmao. Anyway I just write this vent cuz I'm sad bye I'm gonna try to not cut myself today but anyway, have a nice day and I hope your day is amazing *gives whoever's reading a big hug and snuggles into u if you're ok with those*