Reaching No Return and accepting my time is coming.

Hello, Recently me (M23) and my Ex Girlfriend (F23) Broke up two week ago, I lied to her watching porn behind her back and she caught me in a lie, I didn’t want to hurt her on bring up this topic since we have gotten back together 4 months ago. Ever since we got back i tried everything to make up for the things i did when we were single, i slept with someone else and caught feeling for someone which wasn’t the goal. She broke up with me originally last summer and left me in a State of Confusion since i was always completely honest with her in our prior 2 year relationship. I was Uncertain on getting back together for 2 months and it put her in rough time. We worked things out and got back together. But when she has always made it clear that she was hurting for the things i didn’t do on purpose i was open and honest with my time separated. i tried my hardest letting her know and showing her affection and acts of kindness. I gave her every she wanted and yet it was never enough letting me know how horrible i was to do what i did, and coming back. the arguments were often and most of the time i was the one in tears from it. I distanced myself from friends for her and changed my surroundings for her to feel safe. I got into a bad habit of watching porn on twitter in december periodically when i felt like i would never be enough being reminded all ive done is hurt her and felt like i could never be enough. So i occasionally watched porn. I was caught in a lie trying to protect her from my shame and it was something i wanted to communicate but had trouble since her passes relationship ended due to similar reason. in shock i was quiet and nervously chuckled knowing i ruined our future. I owned up to it all to my friends and even to my parents on what i did shamefully. She Called me pathetic, a loser and let me know everyone in her life hated me and let out the truth of how she felt about me. Later that night she gave me a piece of her mind mad about what i did which was perfectly fine. She ended up @ing everyone on my personal discord of friends saying i was unfaithful and a pervert. Publicly shaming me to my Social life. She then proceeded to tell our group of friends we hang out with occasionally. A week later we talked and know we both love and miss each other and need to heal to potentially work this out in the future with no guarantees. Today i found out She told a mutual who she became friends with and is spreading it around to my entire social life in detail of what happened. My social life is ruined and now im seen as a person who watches porn and have that image around me, my friends and strangers. My work Found out and i can’t even show up anymore. i’ve been in tears knowing what i did was wrong and the pain i caused her for the last two weeks. but she dd isn’t see what she doing to me she ended up giving me evolving pain that im being forced to live with and she can heal from this and i cannot from it becoming my life and image. I’ve been thinking of killing myself these last couple of days yearning for her to come back but finding out she told her friends detailed and now they are spreading it. i want to kill myself im a very Anxious, Shy and Nervous guy, the pain is growing and im being seen as tho monster and freak. It’s getting hard knowing my life is crumbling and Im ready and accepting that i dont want to live with this pain. It seems like the Potential best way and painless way to commit would be Crashing into Structure, since i don’t have access to a firearm. I loved her with all my heart i did but it was hard feeling like i could never be enough for her. No one understands what im going to be living with and always cared of what people thought of me. This doesn’t help and im accepting that i dont want to live with this pain anymore which will grow. i know shes gonna be okay in time but i dont think i will ever escape this and im ready to accept to seek peace.