I'm M17 and struggling with doubts in my first long-distance relationship even though my girlfriend (F18) is a good person

Hi everyone. I’m looking for advice because I’m really confused about my feelings lately. I’m still young and this is my first relationship, so I don’t really have much experience with relationships.

I’m 17 and my girlfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. We’re in a long-distance relationship and we’ve never met in person yet.

She’s honestly a really good girlfriend. She’s kind, caring, and responsible. She’s the oldest daughter in her family, so she has a lot of responsibilities at home and does a lot of chores. Even with all that, she still tries to make time for me, which I really appreciate.

She’s also really pretty, and sometimes that makes me feel insecure. I don’t really see myself as attractive. I’m overweight and not very confident about how I look. Sometimes I honestly wonder why she even likes me. In my head it sometimes feels like she’s the pretty popular girl and I’m just the chubby nerd in the background.

Another thing is that our hobbies are kind of different. My hobbies are mostly gaming on PC and watching anime. She does play games too, but mostly mobile games. Usually we play the games she likes so we can spend time together. I appreciate that we can still do something together, but sometimes I wish we naturally shared more hobbies.

Since we’re long-distance, sometimes I also wish I had someone I could actually spend time with in person. Like hanging out, doing hobbies together, or just being physically around each other.

Another thing that might sound a bit weird is my “type.” I’ve always liked girls who are a bit clingy, protective, or a little jealous. I know some people see that as toxic, but for me it sometimes makes me feel like the person really cares, especially since I never experienced love before. My girlfriend is actually a bit like that too. She can get jealous and she cares a lot. But because we’re long-distance, she sometimes holds herself back from being too controlling, which I understand. We’re also both pretty clingy people, so in that way we match.

However, there is something that sometimes bothers me. She can be a bit controlling, but not in a super extreme way. It’s more like she gets jealous if she’s not involved in what I’m doing. For example, if I’m busy doing something and not giving her enough attention, she might get upset afterward.

One example is when I used to stream my gameplay. I like streaming my games, even though I don’t really get viewers. For me it’s not about popularity. It’s more like recording memories of the fun moments I have while playing. I also have a bit of short-term memory issues, so having recordings of my gameplay actually means a lot to me. When I rewatch them, it reminds me of moments where I had a lot of fun or did something cool in the game.

But sometimes when I streamed and didn’t give her enough attention, she would get upset after I finished. Eventually, to avoid arguments, I stopped streaming completely. That was actually a pretty big sacrifice for me because it’s something I really enjoyed.

She also gets jealous sometimes if I’m doing something she’s not part of. Not all the time, but enough that I notice it.

Another thing is reassurance. She asks me for reassurance fairly often, and when she does, I really try to give it in a loving and serious way because I want her to feel secure. But when I ask for reassurance sometimes, the way she responds doesn’t always have the same energy. I know that doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t care, but sometimes it still leaves me feeling a little emotionally unsatisfied.

Another situation recently added more stress. Because she’s busy with family responsibilities, we usually only spend time together late at night. The problem is that I’m anemic, and if I don’t sleep early enough I get really bad headaches and feel terrible the next day.

At first it wasn’t affecting me too much, so I didn’t tell her about it when we started dating. But recently I had a really bad day where my head was spinning all day, so I finally told her about my condition. She was a little upset that I didn’t tell her earlier, but after she found out she actually became more strict in a caring way. She reminds me to eat properly, asks about my health, and checks if I’m taking care of myself.

One more thing I feel guilty about is that sometimes I secretly play games without telling her. For example, I might say I’m busy doing something else, but in reality I’m just playing a game for a bit. The reason I do this is because when I tell her I’m going to play, sometimes it turns into an argument or she becomes cold and less responsive.

Because of that, I feel like I can’t enjoy my hobbies normally anymore. At the same time, I also feel really guilty for lying to her.

Lately I’ve been feeling very confused about my emotions. Sometimes thoughts about breaking up come into my mind even though she hasn’t really done anything seriously wrong, and that makes me feel very guilty. I care about her a lot, but at the same time I feel mentally and emotionally conflicted.