I wish I wasn't here and this is the only place I feel safe to post this.

Okay so obligatory TW: for depression and sexual trauma.

I've been through a lot on my life, and everyone keeps saying to me that having these traumas has made me who I am. But the thing is, I don't want to be who I am. I'm an anxious wreck who panics about my partner if he's out even so much as 2 minutes longer than he says he'll be.

I don't want to live like this and my partner has a lot of health issues that is making cleaning hard on him and a suspended prison sentence that is making a job hard. Which means that he can clean in little bits but due to me working full time and also struggling with my mental health there isn't a "little bit" of cleaning to do. I want the mess gone and I don't want to live like this. I'm not even sure I want to live at all.

I got random messages off of a girl over the last 2 days trauma dumping on me without my consent or me saying that she could. Without context of if I had trauma and she'd trigger it and when I tried to comfort her she said she was just stimming and all of what she said never even happened. These messages brought back a whole load of my own trauma though and now I'm just having flashbacks. I hate my life.