I’m done feeling it

As noted, here to vent. Have been through the gauntlet of emotions over the past year + and I just want to be done with it all. I’d like to think that what we had was special, but I’m also coming to realize that the space in which we met may have lead itself to me being preyed on by someone who knew how to hack my system. They were quickly able to get me thinking we were fated then ghost just in time for me to become obsessed.

I resisted thinking that for so long; telling myself that they were a good person that was just confused. But it’s been so long now… a good person wouldn’t have done that. This person is as fucked up as they said they were (even when I chose to stupidly ignore it).

I’m just hoping that calling it what it likely was out loud leads to me moving forward. I don’t think it started limerent, I was genuinely in love… but by now I should be feeling like they are gone from the face of the earth and instead I still wait hoping for a return. I also realize the person I fell in love with was probably just a predator wearing a mask.

It is a sick thing the brain will do to try to solve unsolved puzzles… I have been done being sad for a while, I have been done wanting romance for a while. I have also come to terms with the fact that I will never hear from them again. The last step is just to stop caring about someone that doesn’t exist anymore. Because, strangely, I do still care a lot. However, not having any sort of reciprocity should have killed this for me long ago.

I need to stop caring. I need to stop sending my care even though I am ok with not getting responses, that all still keeps me in a loop. I should care about the silence, I should be angry, I should have stopped trying so long ago. I deserve, and already have, so much better things in my life to focus on.

As the season ends, I hope this does too. Spring is for new beginnings and the end of a cold winter that had me stuck waiting for what would never come.