I’m not strong enough for this

Long time reader first time poster.

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, since early 20s. He has had depression and suicidal ideations since before we met. It’s been an on going battle and has not gotten any easier with time.

I’m not strong enough to be with him. I know it and he knows it.

With each manic episode he gets mad, mean, & helpless. I get sad, defensive and hopeless.

He goes to therapy regularly and is medicated. That doesn’t matter.

It has gotten longer between major manic episodes but nothing has really changed.

I am not the rock he needs during his crisis and would be better off with someone else. He has regularly reminded me that I am not helpful and make it worse. That he is on an island alone and I’m no where to be found for help even when I’m sitting right next to him. His “golden day” is disappearing while I’m at work. Never to be found by anyone ever again. Or to end it and let me be “happy without him”. That I will be happier after the “3 days of grieving “.

I just don’t want to loose my husband that I love very much.

-lost, tired, and weak