anxiety and T

So I started hrt this past week but had to stop cuz I was just having too much anxiety and panic. I know how I feel and what I want but due to so many factors (fear of society and family, fear of regretting it, etc- also i suffer from severe anxiety and ocd) I had to stop. the panic was getting out of hand. I want these changes but when I was body monitoring and felt like my voice might drop (ik it’s been less than a week lol i was just paranoid) i was so scared that i’ll regret it when it happens. i’ve dissociated my entire fucking life and never felt intact with reality and when I started T, it felt like I didn’t have dissociate anymore. however the intense body monitoring I was doing made me not able to think of anything else. i felt a bit lost. how come I have all this dysphoria but feel like i don’t want these changes? how come when I look at a guy I have gender envy for, i break down, cry and feel so depressed that i can’t even function normally? how come i spend every single day “dissociating” pretending i was already on T and passing, yet am so scared of these changes? they weren’t even happening yet but i was so scared. i have severe ocd and my panic + anxiety was getting so out of hand that I just felt like I should stop in case it gets worse.

I guess what Im trying to say is… is this.. in any way.. normal? i just feel so so lost and don’t know what to do. i feel so broken. part of me understands that it’s just not the right time, even though (this will sound crazy pls bear with me) i feel like im running out of time when im only 23.. like I wish i had a boyhood and boy youth and i don’t want to miss out on my 20s as a man. but i have no friends that live by me and struggle a lot making friends generally (i may be on the spectrum, according to my psychiatrist). so i have… zero support right now. like i said, a lot of factors are contributing to my mental state.

I know when it feels right, and when i feel safe, i will try again. i just don’t understand why i couldn’t do it now. it also sucks that the people i live with do not “believe” that im trans cuz im not masculine enough or whatever these fucking cis people think. anyways … would LOVE some advice. am i cooked? or could this be normal?