Why does my mother keep on failing me?

I’m a very lonely person and I’ve been that way my whole life. I push people away and end up having no one I can depend upon. I would have moved in with a friend if I had any to be honest but I can’t.

My Father is a massive narcissist and he’s been raised that way. He had a very bad childhood which I think led him to believe that he was in someway special since he faced that. He believes he is some superior life form and that he is above others. He has this cycle where he says horrible things to me claiming he loves me then acts all apologetic for a bit in a 99:1 ratio of the time.

My mother was supposed to protect me from this. My Father wasn’t documented as a legal citizen in the uk until I, his oldest son, was 18 months old then surprisingly afterwards he becomes a monster around my mum around the 18 month mark. She tells me fucking stories of how she had to leave me at the neighbors house and wait off my Father’s temper tantrums. She’s done this for almost 17 years now unfortunately.

It feels like she doesn’t love me however which really upsets me because like I said earlier I can’t depend on other people. And it reinforces the fact that I cannot be loved by anyone.

She promises over and over again to just leave him and now when we have the golden opportunity to do so she says she has to asses the situation as if nothing bad has ever happened. Aside from seeing my little brother for the first time, my earliest memory is of my parent arguing with each other about how my Dad wants to go to a party and how my mother didn’t. I’ve seen him shout at her, kick her out of the house then expect me to look after my siblings and keep her away. I’ve seen him yank on her hair as she’s cowering under a table and all sorts of stomach churning stuff.

Just because he helps you with stuff every now and again mum doesn’t mean he’s changed.

I of course resent my father and have vowed to be nothing like him and I’m glad I look like my mother… but why does she love my Dad more than me then claim she loves me? It just seems so moronic how she does contradictory things then she complains how they are after I give her solutions.

My Father used to hit me quite a bit when I was little on a spectrum from soft (spanking) to hard (knuckling my head really hard) and my mother doesn’t leave him then but says if he continues that she would leave him. Why didn’t she just leave him and take me now?

It’s more difficult now that I’m practically 17, I’ve only got one more year and I’ve got two younger siblings. The weird thing is that he treats them nicer than he does me. It’s not that I’m an affair baby or whatever ( I think it’s because I’m an accident ) but it just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Derailing at the end tl;dr mum can’t make the right choice