i want to blow my fucking head off

nobody ever sees hardly anything i say anymore, nobody ever reaches out, i hate it all. i have issues no one else understands. the trauma i have layered ontop of me is immense. the psychological abuse, the religious abuse, the touching by others. i hate it all. and im tired of sitting here and pretending im okay. alot of people in life make me want to kill myself, genuinely. ill look at someone, irl or online, and then fantasize about killing myself after i see it. i dont really care about living that much because i see no value in it. i cant actually live the life i want. i cant change my identity, i cant change what my mother did, i cant change the bullying. im just so sick and tired of it. when i see other people similar to me, my first thought is to kill myself. i really want to. the doctors arent helping, therapy is just a stabilizer for an hour. im starving myself. im hurting myself. i just want to die. i want to jump off a cliff, i want to shoot myself in the head. i want to forget. i want to forget who i am. and i bet no ones even gonna say anything. they hardly ever do. and all it’ll be is get help this do this do that and i dont care. i recognize people cant help me but id atleast like sympathies or relatability but no. its super hard to relate to a fat trans chud like me. i hate it. i dont pass, dont got hrt, not gonna diy. im not a criminal. and i know, i just know that somewhere down the line someone’s gonna see this and wanna tell me im wrong. we only hear the stories of the living. never the dead.

i fucking hate myself.