AITAH for failing to check in on my best friend while going through a family crisis

Hi everyone. I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m emotionally exhausted and starting to question myself.

My best friend and I have been very close since high school. Recently we had a serious conflict during a period where both of us were going through very difficult things in our lives.

At the time, my father — who has bipolar disorder — became severely unstable and had a full-blown manic episode that led to hospitalization. Those who have experienced bipolar mania in a family member may understand how chaotic and frightening that can be. At home we were dealing with his mental health crisis, and it was one of the most stressful periods of my life.

I was constantly scared and on edge. His behavior was irrational and controlling, and the atmosphere in the house was extremely tense. At the same time I was trying to help my mother and sister manage the situation. I was emotionally drained and barely had the capacity to function normally, let alone maintain my usual communication with people.

Around the same time, my friend was also going through serious family problems. Her relationship with her parents is very difficult. She often fights with her mother and her father recently cut her off financially, which made her feel even more alone and unsupported. Before my father’s episode, I had been there for her a lot — listening to her, supporting her, and trying to help her through those issues. But when the crisis with my father happened, I became much less available because I was barely functioning.

During the crisis, I actually wasn’t expecting anything from her. I didn’t want to burden her with something so heavy while she was already struggling with her own family issues. My plan was simply to wait until things calmed down and then reconnect and be there for each other again.

When things started to stabilize at home, I reached out to reconnect and asked how she was doing. she ghosted me for weeks and even though it felt weird, I gave her time thinking she is going through something hard herself. Turns out, she had been feeling resentment toward me during that time. She basically told me she had been very hurt in a accusatory way, witho no empathy towards my situation. She said she felt like I didn’t care about her and that I didn’t check on her enough. She said that even though she knew I had problems, she still expected her best friend to ask how she was doing sometimes.

I tried to explain my situation honestly. I told her that during that time I was dealing with my father’s mental health crisis and didn’t have the emotional capacity I normally would. I explained that my silence wasn’t intentional and that I did care about her. I even sent voice messages explaining everything in detail while crying, because I genuinely wanted her to understand how overwhelming that period was for me.

Throughout our conversation I tried very hard to respond calmly and respectfully, even when I felt accused. I also tried not to invalidate her feelings, because I know her family situation has caused a lot of loneliness and my absence probably triggered that pain for her. I kept reassuring her that I understand her feelings, I was thinking about her,and didn’t mean to leave her alone. I simply didn’t have the emotional capacity to be with her at the time of crisis. I was just trying to survive.

But after all of that, she didn’t really accept my explanation. She kept sending long messages saying I don’t understand her and that she doesn’t believe I didn’t have enough time to simply ask how she was. She continued to focus on the fact that I didn’t check on her enough, even though she knew what was happening at home.

My own crisis isn’t really being acknowledged by her. At times it felt like she was comparing our situations or implying that I should still have found the emotional energy to prioritize her despite everything that was happening. I was barely coping and trying to keep my family together during a very traumatic situation.

I feel like I’m being held responsible for something I genuinely couldn’t handle at the time.

I only expected her to listen and understand me and why I was unable to be there for her. I only approached her with kindness, understanding and empathy. All she did was point fingers at me and I didn’t deserve that after all the trauma I went through. I just wanted to talk with my best friend, catch up and be there for each other. She made it so hard.

Do you think she is being fair in this situation?

How would you handle something like this? I would really appreciate hearing other perspectives.