Am I terrible? (TW: SH, SUICIDE)

I feel like i was a bad person in my past when I was a minor. I know I watched porn since i was like 7 maybe older and im afraid I can’t remember every bad thing i’ve masturbated to and i’m scared i’m a bad person if i masturbated to something morally wrong but not illegal. How do I know if I’m terrible or not? I’m scared i’m immoral, i want to die so bad. Why is this happening again? Do I deserve the happiness I so desire. I imagine my forearms covered in cuts and dying in a river slowly. How do I know if i’m a bad person or not? From ages 13-15 I was obsessed with a shota character named lee hooni because I related to him a lot. Does that make me a bad person? He was 17 in the manga but then it came out the creator is terrible and I feel like i’m a bad person but how would I know. I want to die so bad already. Am I trying to justify my actions? How do I know if i’m terrible or not?