Just NO WholeFamilyIL

Hi, I (F28) am engaged to a wonderful man (M28). His family is not that wonderful though.

We’ve been together for 8 years, engaged for 2. My relationship with my in-laws has been rocky from the start. They are… stiff? Kind of snobby. In a way like: “Yeah, I know such smart, intelligent people… unless they disagree with me, then they are dumb.” Sterile. I couldn’t find common ground with them (and oh God, I tried, I really did), but our relationship was always civil. And I think they are good people in general.

We live about 500 km away from them, so visits aren’t frequent.

My fiancé is on the AuDHD spectrum. His relationship with his parents is difficult (they didn’t agree with his diagnosis, they were cruel to him — long story, lots of resentment on both sides).

So, let’s go back two years. My fiancé went semi–no contact with his family (about 3–4 months earlier) because of cruel words and their behavior. He didn’t pass his exams the first time, and they said he would never succeed and that they wouldn’t support him financially anymore. I accepted his decision and didn’t have any say in that matter.

And, surprise surprise, he did pass! He told the news to some family members (more distant ones), and here comes my mistake…

I texted my MIL and SIL (both “to be,” of course) a short message: “He passed.”

Why? I guess I didn’t want them to hear it from some distant relative and feel completely left out. I thought it would be better this way.

And then my SIL sent an absolutely heartbreaking message that went something like: “How dare you contact us now? My family went through so much pain because of you two.”

I was blindsided.

I replied that I just wanted to let them know that one thing, nothing else, and that I had good intentions. No contact was not my idea. During that period of silence I also reached out to them once or twice (and I was ignored).

Her reply was: “I don’t believe in any of your good intentions. It’s better if you stop talking to me at all.”

So I did.

An important thing: it’s really typical of her to start family dramas. Everyone is kind of used to it. I’m not.

Some time passed, my fiancé reconnected with his family, and I also had a pretty good conversation with my MIL. It turned out that she strongly felt it was me who kept her son away from them (which is absolutely not true), and maybe she shared some of that thought with SIL.

Yeah, okay. Still, it hurts that she never came to me with those feelings…

So, fast forward: SIL is getting married soon. She hasn’t tried to reconnect with me. I’m not very eager to do it myself — I still feel hurt. I’m not planning to go to the wedding, but I did receive an invitation. MIL says that maybe I should reach out to her.

Am I overreacting to all of this? Maybe I should just swallow my pride and not make a fuss about it?