How do I (35M) support my wife (26F) through her severe depression?

Sorry for the long post, but I believe every detail is important.

I (35M) am of Iranian origin and grew up between Iran and the UK throughout my childhood. I moved to Iran 5 years ago, where I met my wife (26F). And we got married 3 years ago, with plans to move to Switzerland together after a couple of years for her PhD studies.

Let me start by saying that my wife is extremely talented, artistic, poetic, intelligent and beautiful. She does anything well if/when she puts her mind to it. She lived in a very traditional family with somewhat of an abusive father who was very controlling e.g. he would not let her out of the house unless it was for going to university and also an emotionally unavailable mother who never showed affection towards her or offered praise and support. She was also dealing with depression when we met, just after a breakup with an abusive partner. Our marriage was also very difficult because her father didn’t trust me initially, even after our marriage which my wife fought for against him with blood and tears, he was still very cold to me. But after 2 years he started to respect me and see me as his own son.

The first couple of years of our shared life were flawless. I’d never been in love in my life, and they have been the best years of my life, and I cherish them every day. Experiencing life in my country of birth, being with whom I love, I couldn’t have asked for more.

But after two years of marriage, things started to take a turn.

1. Firstly, I say with no exaggeration that I believe my wife is a genius. Due to her high intelligence, she is one of the top students in her class in one of my country’s top universities. But intelligence has also been her Achilles heel, as she has been able to get away with procrastination all her life. As an example, she only studies a night or two before an exam and she gets top marks consistently. Whilst this procrastination works well for her, I on the other hand need everything organised. I try to do my tasks early and not leave things until the last minute because I predict things not going to plan –you could say I am a bit of a pessimist at times. And whilst her personal life is her personal life and she has every right to live it the way she wishes, she has been very careless in doing things that would also affect me and stressing me out big time. She also has this ability to consistently come up with excuses when she fails: ‘it’s not my fault department X was closed’…well, you had 2 weeks to go there but left it til the last day! This happened a few times and in turn delayed our move to Switzerland and incurred extra costs and hiccups that could have been prevented. Every instance of me trying to advise her would start to create a parent-child dynamic due to our age gap, so I tried to avoid it after a few bitter attempts, but those occasions hurt her a lot.
2. Another thing I realised since moving in together was that someone who was very active in creating paintings, writings, music etc. suddenly stopped all her artistic and professional endeavours. She became very…lazy. Of course, the new freedom allowed her to be able to go out, with me, her friends, explore new things, travel together etc. which every person deserves, but other than that, she became very stagnated. Whilst I have been the sole breadwinner of the household ever since we got married, she didn’t contribute to much else since we got married. She would, at best do half the housework, rarely cooked or ran errands or helped with shopping etc. I did most of this myself whilst a sense of resentment built up inside me. For example, whilst I would have to wake up at 8 to start work, she would sleep til 12 p.m. every day, sometimes later. Most offices shut at 3 p.m, in Iran, so banks, shopping etc. needs to be done early to prepare food etc. and as you can imagine this is not possible if you wake up no earlier than 12 p.m! The resentment built up inside me, I failed communicating this to her in an empathetic way, until one day when I felt under so much pressure from life, I burst in an argument and told her ‘you don’t do anything at all!’ or in another occasion ‘someone has to carry your weight in life all the time, be it your father or me’. She understandably got mad, we both cried, I apologised to her and told her I say things I don’t mean when I get mad and I exaggerate things (I don’t know why yet – this has been me for a long time unfortunately), but the damage was done and her heart was broken.
3. She also started gaining weight since moving in, not caring much about her well-being, eating junk food and not exercising. I started making comments about what she ate on a few occasions, and that was a mistake. I am a very active person. I exercise at least 3 times a week. But being with her affected me too, as I stopped exercising and eating junk, and it also made me feel crap about myself.
4. Another thing, when we dated, we would make love almost every time we meet. But something happened with me when we got married and moved in together; my sex drive went really down. She also had physical problems so we couldn’t have penetrative sex, so even though she was excited for it psychologically, physiologically she wasn’t able to. She went to doctors to solve it, but my indifference to sex, which she said could be a ‘big problem’ made her less interested in her after a while. I admitted to her that I didn’t take her concerns seriously and didn’t give her importance.

We finally moved to Switzerland around a year ago, this is after all the above. Until we moved, her heart wasn’t completely in it. She didn’t want to leave her country, her parents, friends etc. but our war-torn country was no longer a place we could thrive or even live with safety. I started to realise she didn’t feel as lively before, but I believed this was solely because of the move. Leaving your home country is never easy, less so when you are almost forced to leave it behind. I also felt she became colder towards me, but I thought it could be due to being homesick. I was also in and out of Switzerland for work and had only just applied for a spouse visa. She displayed signs of depression, but I wasn’t reading these signs well. I sufficed to her being homesick, and thought this was normal and that she would feel better over time. Since I’m a gamer myself, I introduced her to gaming, but I realised she started playing games very intensively when I wasn’t around, literally for eight hours or more a day.

A couple of months ago, I came back to Switzerland after a couple of months of working in the UK for work. I generally felt she was not very happy, that she wasn’t very warm or affectionate towards me. Then one noon, she woke up as I was on my laptop working, and our pet came to greet her, she was very affectionate to our pet and not as much to me. I asked her why she was more affectionate towards our pet than I and she revealed something that still shakes me to this day. She said because when I was away, she took a knife to commit suicide, but the thoughts of leaving our pet unattended made her change her mind. She said she hates it here, that she is away from all her friends, that she cannot speak the language and feels like a nobody and lonely here. At this point, I was shocked all the way to my bones. I don’t know why, but I tried not to give her suicide attempt any importance, almost as if I was trying to make her not take it seriously. But that has really shaken me from within. From that day, I started showing more kindness, to be more understanding, to not criticise her when she would do something I didn’t like, etc. Just trying to make her feel good, by taking her out, eating out, doing things that would be fun together and being positive about the outlook of being in Switzerland, and offering her any help she thought she might need to get better.

A few weeks after I had to go back to the UK for work, and I felt her tone suddenly changed by being very cold. We had a talk on the phone after I asked her why she was distant and cold to me. She asked me why I thought she was cold to me. I said I don’t know but I can guess. She said do it. I mentioned the 4 things above. It was a TOUGH talk and I felt like I was being questioned in a court. After I did so, she said wanted a couple of months away from me, as seeing me would bring ill feelings to her. She said I was her refuge when we first met, her love for me was the biggest thing in her heart, and I broke her heart. Ever since she told me that, I live with the guilt of breaking the heart of the most important person in my life. Even as I write this, I cry, because I never wanted to hurt her. I agreed to give her space, as her well-being is my priority. I love her, she is the only person I’ve truly loved, I don’t want anything bad to happen to her.

I also suggested to make a list, which I did and shared with her, with my plans to solve things personally. And also made a list of what I want from her – I have withheld this until she gets well.

We had a few emotional conversations since. She asked tearfully one night if I will leave her once I am sure she will survive, I said no, of course not. She said she wants to move to the UK with me, as she hates living in Switzerland. She was very emotional that day and a bit erratic in her understanding of her emotions.

Another day she said she misses the day I was the most important thing in her heart, we both cried, and I assured her she is still the most important thing in my heart, and assured her that good things will come.

Another day she said she doesn’t have belief in herself anymore, as if all her achievements are not hers. Like an imposter syndrome. She attributes that, though only partly, to my criticism of her (see above).

I told her in the meantime that I will correct my ways. I am seeing a therapist now to try to resolve my temperament problems and resolve other issues. She told me once she feels a week of not feeling depressed/feeling OK, she will let me know to move back in.

The two months lapsed a few days ago, during which time we spoke every day on the phone for a couple of hours. The conversations have been progressive, but she’s not overly affectionate like before. She still tells me she loves me and that she misses me, but not as frequently as two years ago. I sometimes feel like I’m not as important to her as I once was.

After these two months, she told me she still hasn’t had a full week where she’s been feeling well and asked for another month of space. I was very disappointed, as I was looking forward to seeing her and sharing the progress I’ve been making. She said she sees progress from my side, but she hasn’t been able to see a therapist yet and isn’t entirely convinced one would help – again I notice the same procrastination patterns.

I agreed to give her another month, but I’m also trying to understand how to navigate this situation in a healthy way. I want to support her and respect the space she needs, but I’m also unsure how to balance that with my own wellbeing if this period of distance keeps extending.

At the same time I’m dealing with a lot myself; the possibility of redundancy at my job and the financial strain of paying rent for two places. But I try to stay strong so I don’t add to her worries. Still, it’s difficult keeping everything inside, which is why I’ve come online to ask for advice.

I feel the need to add an event which I think may be important. To approve my spouse visa, my wife had to go to the local immigration office when I was there. I remember she went there and everything seemed as normal as it gets these days. Then, two months ago, my visa application came back, rejected. In there the reason was ‘statements made by your wife raises serious doubt as to whether a martial relationship between the two spouses in Switzerland is intended’. I was absolutely shocked and furious when I saw this. I questioned my wife immediately, she started crying, she said she was feeling terrible that day, she doesn’t even remember what she said. She said she doesn't feel well, that needs to be hospitalised. This really broke me. She promised me to solve the visa problem herself, and to go to therapy, which again she hasn’t done.

I feel torn in this relationship. I love my wife, I know how brilliant she is. I want to see her happy again. Please help me in helping her. I will do anything I can to help this beautiful flower blossom again. She deserves to be happy. I will neither lose hope nor break up with her until she is happy again.