Possible history of sexual coercion. Not sure what to do or how to move on.

Hi, feeling quite vulnerable writing this all down. I've been carrying this for nearly 20 years. Will try and keep it short.

Husband and I have been together 19 years. Married for 10. We've had years and years of sexual issues which I have always carried as being my fault and something wrong with me. Sex became painful. I couldn't relax into it. I would mentally take myself away during. Saw a doctor and no physical issues. Every day I think about our sexual issues. How I don't give him enough or can't get in the mood. It eats away at me. I feel so much guilt.

Looking back, I think I can see now what I couldn't at the time that maybe there was some coercive behaviour that has led to my "shut down"

From around 18 months into our relationship my husband, then boyfriend, wanted to spice things up and suggested things that I wasn't comfortable with and, while I didn't outwardly say no and didn't explicitly set my boundaries, I made it clear I wasn't keen. He then kept asking for a couple of activities that I expressly said to him made me uncomfortable and I didn't want to do them. I'd hear how his ex loved it. How he looked on forums and lots of women loved it etc. Being in my early 20s I felt there must be something wrong with me and I sometimes just did them.

To try and keep this shorter I'll bullet other behaviours:

- sexual performance reviews. I'd be told what I did well and where I need to improve. How being "meek" doesn't satisfy him and I don't entirely satisfy his needs.

- kept pushing for something his ex "loved" to do which I wasn't happy with. Ended up persuading me to have a session on "training my body" to take part in this activity. I felt like a piece of meat.

- would ask each time we engaged in sexual activity for me to do something that I would repeatedly say no to.

- he could climax in situations where he knew I was not enjoying it or feeling discomfort.

- would say to me how I've never said "never" to certain activities and so I left the door open to keep asking me even though after several years I have still said I'm not comfortable.

I then began to experience pain during intercourse. I could not relax or get in the mood. It was like my body repelled sex. This then led to never wanting it and has led to years and years of issues with us not being sexually active very much which he struggles with.

For years I have felt like this is my problem. That I must be low libido. A prude. Etc. But i do still have libido.

All this being said, we've had many discussions about our situation and he says he didn't know how strong my feelings were. I genuinely don't believe any of this was intentional on his part. But I do feel even though I wasn't explicit with "here are my boundaries", that i was clear that I was uncomfortable and having reflected, that at the time I was naive and actually it's his behaviours for years that led to my eventual aversion.

I don't know how to move on and make things better for us and how to reconnect emotionally. 10 years ago he shut down going to therapy as he said it's my problem and not his. But a few years ago he agreed to sex therapy but that didn't address these issues. It just made us take baby steps back to sex. Which doesn't help me as I'm still carrying how I was made to feel.

We have a family together and are otherwise happy. I just want to know if this is considered as coercion and how I can get past it.