Learning to let go in real time

Hello hello,

Feeling the most at peace and accepting of my situation I have so far so I wanted to share some thoughts and feelings with the void. There are some tips for negotiating a break up and the immediate aftermath of a breakup. It's been really horrible but I feel like I'm surviving this so far so I wanted to pass on what I could.

For a bit of context, my girlfriend of 3 years ended the relationship with me about 3 weeks ago. It was, all things considered, a really positive relationship. There are so many thoughts and emotions whizzing around in my head at the moment it's hard to figure out which ones are here to stay and which ones are only here for the physiological crisis I'm currently going through. As objectively as I can get right now I would say that we were both quite naive going into the relationship. It took her a really long time to figure out that the things that she wanted from the future were at odds with my wants. Early on we were quite open about wanting to take things slow, have things be easy, not live in each others laps. With time, however, this distance outstayed it's welcome. She also struggled to communicate those wants and needs with me, she said she was afraid of scaring me and didn't want to issue me any ultimatums. During the break up she said she wanted me to want those things, not to be pressured into them under the threat of a break up.

On my end, I got really complacent. Struggling to reconcile this with myself now but I got to a place where I didn't think the relationship was in question. I incorporated it into my identity and got comfortable thinking that it would always be there. We had conversations about communication needs, I don't feel moved to text people that much and she really wanted a bit more consistency. The conversations we had about it were civil and thorough but I always felt that we'd resolved the issue in the conversation. I could make changes for a time but couldn't keep them up consistently. I don't want to get too deep into it and I'm acutely aware of the fact that I feel differently about these things with hindsight but I think the core issue in the relationship was her difficulty in understanding and communicating her own wants and needs and my inability to see these individual civil conversations as being a part of bigger and much more complicated picture.

The sad reality is that I used the relationship to insulate myself from the unhappiness I was experiencing in the rest of my life. I loved her dearly and would have never been happy knowing she was not feeling fulfilled at all, but I got used to the idea that there were things I wasn't doing she would be happier if I was. It's too early for either of us to figure this all out, but that's enough understanding for now.

The break up itself was a massive shock to me. The day of the break up was the first time she'd told me she wasn't happy in the relationship and by then it was too late. I stayed the night and the conversation lasted 12+ hours. There were a ridiculous amount of tears and some very confusing things were said about being open to a relationship in the future and really wanting to make things work. They were tough to hear and absolutely stopped me from being able to process this healthily for the first week, but she also said she didn't want to keep things going having already settled on the idea the relationship wasn't working so I think the messiness was due to the fact it was quite a new decision. Messy but fair!

We met up about a week and a half after to talk, had a coffee and a walk on the beach. We talked about some of the issues in the relationship, where things had come from, how we'd been doing. I said that I still really wanted to make things work and she said that she does believe I can change and thinks things would be better, but essentially doesn't feel that the changes would make her feel better because it's taken this for them to happen. I was gutted of course but I understood. We both agreed that none of this was a waste even if it feels like one now. We agreed that neither of us wanted to stop knowing each other but that things were far too raw right now. We said we'd give it a few months and reach back out when we just missed knowing one another and didn't miss the relationship.

She dropped my things off today, we talked for a little while but covered most of it last week. It was really amicable, we had a really long hug and agreed we'd get back in touch later in the year when we were no longer in crisis and had ourselves back.

All things considered and despite how fucked up I feel when I wake up, I think this has been a really grown-up breakup, so wanted to share some thoughts and tips on breaking up / being broken up with to try to help some of you struggling to manage or make a decision. These don't all apply in situations where actual wrongs have been done to the other person, so take them with a grain of salt. But if your partner is a good person, or you want to be a good person, and you don't want to cause them or yourself more pain than is strictly necessary, here are some pointers.

Breaking up with someone -

• Don't offer any false hope. If you're in a place where you're not sure, then talk to your partner, say you aren't happy and that things need to be better. If you are sure, if you know things aren't working, be prepared for all of the emotions and the bargaining. It can feel like a kindness to say 'maybe one day' to someone in pain, but it isn't. It will absolutely stall their recovery. If you've done this already and regret it, it will suck, but please let them know the door is closed. It will make things easier.
• Don't leave with no explanations. Especially if the other person doesn't suspect things aren't working. Heartbreak is an incredibly physical experience, akin to losing a family member. Kindly, gently, explain your reasons. Some blame is necessary, if you were both perfect you wouldn't be breaking up. But try to be kind and diplomatic, but clear.
• Offer a 2 week check in. If you can bear it, and you're both decent people. The post break up chat can really help both of you. I feel so much better having been able to talk things through, even if it didn't change the outcome. Be prepared for some bargaining, just be clear that you don't think things will work out and you are not wanting to try. Hearing phrases like 'I want you to get over me' and 'I think you can change, but it won't be for my benefit' are tough for a dumpee (such as myself), but makes the processing so much easier.
• Even if you do want to be friends, establish a rigid no contact period. Be clear that you want the other person to be over the relationship, that there should be no hope and no expectations and it wouldn't be fair to either of you if there were. If you're grown ups, you can negotiate what a fair period is.

Being Broken Up With - (My area of expertise)

I've not absolutely nailed this, I have bargained more than I would have hoped but because I've been a relative degree of chill, I've had access to closure and conversation. That's been far more helpful than clinging on for dear life.

• You don't have to go quietly to go with dignity. If you really do think things could work and that you could be better and do things differently. Explain as calmly as possible that this isn't what you want and that you have more to give, but be prepared for either answer. If you've been blindsided, this will be harder, you may even be in denial. But try your hardest to listen to what the other person is saying and try to handle it with grace. Saying 'I don't agree, I think we could make this work, but I understand that you're done' will be a lot easier on the other person, you still love them don't you? Don't make this harder than it needs to be.
• Respect the other persons wishes. Easier said than done! In the throes of heartbreak it can feel like you know the other persons needs better than they do. You're their problem, the problem can be different. Easy to forget that you don't both need to consent to a breakup! If they don't want to talk it through, respect that too. Closure will be harder, but you'll find it. You can't fight the other person back into the relationship, the last thing you want is a partner who feels they're there under duress.
• Mental discipline. Everyone says have you tried journalling? But they're right. In my experience, don't write all of your deepest darkest thoughts down. Write things that will help when you read them back. It's okay to think things now that you won't later. Consider, horrendous as it is, that this person was not the one for you. Consider, that they were right about the issues in the relationship. Consider how the feelings of frustration or ambivalance you may have felt in the relationship may have been an indicator of the same unsustainability that has resulted in you being dumped. It's scary, but think about how all the things you've learnt will help you in the future, with friends, with new relationships, with your own happiness. It's hard now, and ruminating can bring a cold comfort. But remember the what ifs and the memories are prolonging your pain. Even if you don't want to, try to focus your mental energies on things that will be helpful later, even if they don't feel helpful now.
• It doesn't help in the here and now but remember, this situation isn't just mental it's physical. Your body is withdrawing from something chemical. Your body and your emotions are responding to a significant change and you will not be able to trust your thoughts and your feelings right now. Give in to how fluid your thinking and your feeling will be. Try to ride the waves, acknowledge your feelings are normal and move on. You will of course be thinking about the break up and them, but where there is room to do so, guide those thoughts in a productive direction. The processing is mostly subconcious for the first month or so. Clarity and understanding will come with time.
• Acknowledge you don't want to do anything right now, but do it all the same. I am right with you brother, nothing is making me feel better, but I know that things will when the feelings have settled. Other things will soon give me the hit of dopamine I'm craving. Keep those hobbies and activities up, so when the joy starts filtering back into your life, the sources of it aren't all gone. You will have to do many things you don't want to do for a while, you're just going to have to do them anyway.

That's all I have! Hopefully this brings someone a bit of comfort or clarity.