I feel like I’ve hit my breaking point. Sorry this will be a bit of a rant. I’m fairly PIMO (with a lot of nuances from my faith journey), and attend a singles ward in Utah County. The church has been my community and spiritual foundation my whole life but since moving to Utah any sense of community has evaporated. I get the doctrinal and institutional problems and they are ***bad***, and since Hoaks has taken over I’ve begun to take a step back, but I (maybe naively) still hope that someday the good will outweigh and overcome the bad, because I know not everything is bad, and there is still a lot of good to be had.

However I’ve never felt welcome in any ward since moving, and the only reason people talk with me is to ask me to do favors like callings or talks. I’ve tried to make friends and reach out, but every time I get ghosted until they need a favor from me. Since my last ward change I’ve basically given up trying to make friendships and connections, and since being moved into this ward I have only talked with 10 people in the 1.5 years I’ve been here. And again it’s more of the same, I’m only talked to if they want me to take a calling or help out during church.

I got a message today where I broke. I’ve tried to maintain my boundaries following my faith journey and politely decline when I don’t feel I can or want to help out. However today was the epitome of my experience in the church in Utah, and I snapped. Despite me dealing with my own issues, the church and the community don’t care and demand that I put my problems aside to do what they ask, and then they go back to ignoring me while I continue to struggle.

I feel bad that I snapped, because the person was just doing what they were asked. My problem isn’t with them as much as it is with the institutional problems of the church. But I feel a lot of pain now when going to church and interacting with its members. I mourn that what was my spiritual home only sees me as an object to be used by it, and otherwise I am not worth the time of day.

To end this on a positive note though, things really are on the up and up for me. Despite family emergencies and a lot of issues recently, I’ve never felt more at peace since defining my own path. I have a home, a family, I never have to go without, and I feel love and acceptance from my relationships and that is enough. I have found community elsewhere, and whether there is a higher power or not I feel blessed and loved. And that is something the Church can no longer control or define for me, only so much as I allow it.

Building Cleaning breaking point