It's Jover. Im killing myself

So ya I'm thinking about killing myself

I don't know why im posting this. It just feels good idk

But ya I've been suicidal since I was 13 im 21 now

So ya I've tried to end it a few times but nothing too serious y'know But this time it feels different. This is the closest I've been to genuinely ending it

I mean I own a gun. I literally have a death button and nothing to live for why shouldn't I press it???

I have no reason to keep going. I have no friends I have family but it's complicated I have a sister. She's 14 we get along good. We're best friends

But y'know what fuck ittt I won't be here to see how sad she is She'll get over it

See I used to feel empathy for how my death would effect people But I don't Care. Let em be sad Maybe they'll finally realize that human consciousness is a fucking curse and we all should just kill ourselves in unison

I've lost faith in humans I hate being a human I hate having this consciousness

I hate dealing with complex emotions

I hate being lonely

I hate the feeling of being yelled at or berated. Y'know that feeling u get when a boss is taking their anger out on your. That fucking painful feeling in your chest. Fuck I hate that. I feel that FUCKING CONSTANTLY.

I'm 21 And im living under constant fear of being berated by my fucking father or boss

I hate this constant anxiety I feel..I hate forcing myself to get up. Go to work. Kiss people's ass who don't like it respect me. And for what? Fucking NOTHING

And what's fucked up is im lucky. Im one of the most lucky people in history and I still loathe existing

We are spat into this world without our consent and then we are forced to fight for our survival And you can't even take comfort with the people your surviving with Because other people don't care about you

The only thing that's keeping me from killing myself is not knowing what comes next. I mean I'm not religious but we all are afraid of the unknown

My own fucking brain won't even allow me to kill myself

Hopefully I'll be smart enough to end it Im planning on doing it late tonight

What's fucked up is life could be good. If we were all just nice to each other and loved each other we'd be happy.

I'll probably wuss out on killing myself againm My stupid fucking animal instinct will probably kick in and I'll be too afraid to pull the trigger

I hope not tho. I hope I don't have to exist after I pull the trigger I hope I can feel eternal nothingness. No more being lonely or questioning the evils of humanity

Just nothing. Idk fuccckk it I guess we'll see what I do