Dear 02-08D,

I guess it's for the best that the point is down this weekend, but I'm not happy that I'm going to walk in tomorrow and still be so far behind on my work.

Other than that, there are life updates that I need to refrain from telling you...or at least common sense tells me I should continue to respect a boundary we've never really established. Kind of silly-sounding to an outside reader, but it makes sense to me and you'd probably feel the same.

I've moved my letters to my ex away to my journaling app. Time has been beneficial in him recognizing what made everything unravel and we've agreed that me leaving the best thing for both of us. The mental scars are still fresh and stinging for me, but the panic of being in the same room as him has waned. And today I had the budget to purchase a vacuum...it was very cathartic to finally do a full, complete cleaning of the apartment top to bottom.

It's a small victory amidst all the challenges of proving I exist. That is a big issue I was not prepared to have to tackle when starting over again. Being denied basic credit because I was joint on his accounts and he has an account with every major credit manager...now every application screening software assumes I'm trying to steal my own identity even when I walk in the bank and show them a pile of every ID saying I am who I say I am.

New profiles suspend my new email and I have to appeal to prove I'm not AI. One example today, I just wanted to pin ideas on what the fuck I want this new home of mine to look like...I guess that's not human enough, lol. It's not life-ruining by any means. It just hurts a little deeper than it should after having been emotionally invalidated for years by the one person I was supposed to be able to trust. Poignant, I guess.

I often want to ask you deeper things about you. Like how I was curious to know what seasonings you used on the chicken and rice you prep. How did build that table? I couldn't see under the tablecloth, but I'm still eager to see if you used joinery or if you went with just screws, bolts, and brackets. Did you sand and finish it? What kind of stain did you use/would you like?

I fixate on that more these days now that I don't have the means and space to build things anymore. Sometimes it drifts into wondering if we would work well or horribly together on a project like that...and that's a place I shouldn't let myself dwell.

Like how a shouldn't dwell on what it would feel like with your breath on my neck...

It doesn't help that you give me time, genuine concern, and reciprocity in a way no one ever has before. Why do you, though? Why is it so hard to meet your eyes? I know why, but I'm just self-conscious about it. I'm worried because you've locked eyes with me a second too long on more than one occasion.

Also worried because I know you've caught my eyes drifting before, too. I'm worried you know and I'm worried about the possibility that it makes you uncomfortable. That's the last thing I want. Our interactions are consistent, but I don't know enough to be certain about anything.

I don't know...if I had a metaphor to apply, then there's just something about you that feels like being wrapped in a toasty, weighted blanket on a freezing-rain kind of day. You're just comfortable to be around, even if I don't actually cross paths with you all day. I hope you have at least one person in your life that makes you feel this way.

See you tomorrow, if the workload gives me a break to leave my desk.