I give people mental health support to give me a reason to stay around

Slight TW for $uiclde (cencored because UK laws like to stop me viewing my own posts if deemed inappropriate)

Title says it all really. I give people help with their mental struggles because it makes me feel like I can't leave. I help people so regularly who barely know me, but consider me their closest friends. I've lost track of how many times I've stopped someone following through and it makes me feel so guilty, it's like I'm running some sort of scam, playing dozens of different parts to all these people to get them to be happy again. It would make me proud if it wasn't for the fact that it's entirely because having people rely on me keeps me on the planet.

That's not to say that it's not a good thing to do, I'm the reason multiple people are still alive, but it feels like those people who feed homeless people entirely to get internet clout, which I find kinda gross. Like the right actions for the wrong reasons. It feels like I'm taking advantage of these people's struggles.

I didn't realise that this wasn't really something people do at my age either until someone at school pointed it out to me. That it's concerning how "good" I am at talking people down and helping people regulate. That messed with my brain a bit. There's not a single friendship I have that hasn't involved me stopping them from committing. And yeah, it's stressful, I don't know if I'm going to wake up one morning and someone's just gone, but it keeps me around to feel that stress. If I left then what would they all do? It's the fear for them really.

I also didn't realise the extent of it either, but apparently I did too good a job because more of them are becoming emotionally stable and don't need me to help them anymore. Obviously I'm happy for them but it's triggered a line of thinking that I'd very much prefer not to have which is directly correlated to their improving. I can't exactly talk to any of them about it either because what if it pushed them back down again? Hense why I'm posting on Reddit, I don't have anyone I can trust to listen without running off to find a bridge.

But yeah that's that. Thanks for reading about my dumb teenage mistakes.