JNMIL visits

First up a bit of context about JNMIL. She is not the kind of person I would normally get along with. She's all about 'positivity' to the detriment of acknowledging that life isn't always easy and fun and it's actually okay to be sad and feel things when you are having a rough time. In effect I feel like she alienates by not validating others emotions. On top of that she doesn't truly think of others and is very self focused. An example being she'll give a gift because she thinks it's a good gift and it's what she wants to give despite an individual indicating they don't really want it. She also posts constantly on social media I believe because she needs external validation to feel important and special.

The situation: since DH and I have had our first child (September) JNMIL has really given me the ick. JNMIL and FIL live in a different country and they wanted to come visit before the due date. DH and I didn't want that additional pressure as it's our first and didn't know what to expect so we suggested three months after the birth. JNMIL couldn't handle that because she HAD to see the baby as a newborn (this is the first grandchild). So we relented and said they could come mid October for say 2 weeks as they were still keen to come at the 3 month mark for a visit. Next we hear from them they've booked flights arriving beginning of October for 3 weeks. I was annoyed that they ignored us but not surprised as JNMIL had been intense during pregnancy sending me all these over the top messages about how wonderful everything is.

So they had the initial visit and then also the visit at the 3 month mark (December) where they came for a whole month. Next thing I hear is that JNMIL has booked another 3 week visit (without FIL) in March without even asking DH or me. Now this made me really angry because it's basically my last month of maternity leave and we had been planning on going on a holiday in that time period. So I ask DH to ask her to cancel the trip. He agrees to but suggests he gets her to postpone the visit to later in the year when he has parental leave, I say that's fine. So during the December visit he asks her to cancel and she says she can't because she bought a non-refundable ticket using points and she has arranged a house sit for her visit. But now heres the terrible thing, because he said come later instead she now goes oh but I'll come visit when you are off too as well. So now she books a visit in June for 3 weeks. The audicity of this woman makes my blood boil. DH felt he couldn't shut down the June visit because he suggested it.

I also don't love her behaviour when she visits, she has spoken passive aggressively about DH and I by criticising us as she talks to the baby. We have a no kissing rule but she talks to the baby softly and presses the side of her face against baby's (this is even worse because she gets cold sores). She is 'helpful' in irritating performative ways an example being she made like 40 cinnamon buns which she admitted didn't turn out great. But DH felt obligated to keep because she made the effort. But again she didn't ask hey I can make you guys some food what would you like instead she decided the buns would be great and proceeded to post all about it on FB. So now our freezer is filled with below average baked goods, which is annoying as I want it to actually have space for meals which would be useful. Additionally JNMIL is obsessed with filming everything. Now we intend to be strict with screens for bub so don't appreciate when JNMIL is sticking her phone in bubs face every visit. It also makes me feel uncomfortable like I can't relax and be myself because I'm being filmed. She doesn't seem to do anything with the footage she just lately in the past few years has been preoccupied with death and seemingly wishes she had more footage with her mother before she passed. Lastly she keeps talking about how when bub grows up she is going to take them on holiday with her, like without us... over my dead body. She also said when for the March visit that we could still go on holiday but leave bub with her. I was like no... I actually want to go on holiday as a family, also bub will have no idea who you are. Anyway there are other things but I won't keep going or this would be miles long.

Basically my strategy for her upcoming visit is to stonewall her and not reward her bad behaviour for lots of time with me and bub. We also booked our holiday anyway so we are away for the first 10 days of her visit. Anyway just wanted a rant because it's been really irritating me and I've been getting solace from reading others posts in this community.