i need advice

so for context, my body and i have never gotten along. growing up, from a very early age i neglected food and nutrition. not in a eating disorder way, just idek. i got told all the time by my family that i looked sick and weak and got tested for anaemia etc so many times but it was normal. but, my body was very thin. some to none muscle, my arms are severely skinny which is my biggest insecurity, my legs are the same just in general i looked sick. i was always kind of built like that, i grew up playing a lot of sports and professional leagues for 11 years and even then, i couldn’t grow much muscle even with our gym training. i didn’t get my period/puberty until i was 17 even tho the rest of the women in my family all got it at 11/12.

now as i said, i was very very active as a child. from the ages of 6 til i was 17 i played 2 different sports but exceeded in soccer. i played on top teams and it was very intense training but i was so fit i could run non stop for 90 minutes. now, i can’t even stand up with feeling like im gonn pass out and my heart is gonna come out my chest. it really frustrates me because i remember how fit i was and compared to now im a failure.

this year, i got into a depression. there was a traumatic event at my part time job and i had to quit on the spot. it was the only source of “excercise and social life” i had at the time for 2 years. for 6 months, i stayed in my bed, barely ate, didnt see any sun all summer etc. i was in a bad place. my mind slowly declined to the point i was lowkey borderline going into pyschosis. i was terrified of that, so i got a job. in a nursing home, as a cleaner. it was the only job i could get now considering my body was already fragile and the past 6 months i completely reached limits past that, i was in a bad state going into this job. 11 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

i’ve never felt worse physically in my life.

i know this is my own doing from when i was a child, i know i need to go to the gym or something like that and i know i need to eat more. but when i do i genuinely get nauseous. i feel so fucking stuck. i have come to have such a bad relationship with my body that has been brewing since i was a child im 21 now. i just really don’t know where to start. and work really stresses my body out. i get sharp pains in my muscles, i get sick often when i never used to, i now get cold sores which i haven’t gotten since i was 6, someone at work literally told me how sunken and depressed my face looks and how dark my eyebags are even tho i get sufficient sleep. i genuinely am a mess. i teeth clench my teeth everynight to the point where every ligament in my teeth hurts and it ruins my daily life. there’s so much more but i know all these things on their own are small and manageable, but when they all come together it’s a big mess.

i think i might be burned out, definitely for the past 3 years. it’s been declining since one singular bad moment. ever since that, i get these weird reoccurring but different physical things. for a few months i had dermatagraphia, then when that went straight away i had post nasal drip, then when that went again straight away i had teeth clenching for months. in that same pattern, i had heart palpitations for months every night, teeth grinding, bad rosacea flare ups, digestive issues. i genuinely thought i was cursed because they lined up with each other perfectly. when one finally went away, straight away another appeared. i was going insane.

anytime i try to do something to get better it just falls through. and if one more person tells me how sick i look i swear to god. i really want to get better. i want to feel safe in my body. i never get a chance to breathe and ive always felt like my body is a literal cage. it feels so limiting.