I'm on autopilot just waiting for my existence to end.

44F and I feel like I'm just living my life on autopilot and I don't want to exist anymore. Let me stress that I have no intention of hurting myself.

I don't even know how to explain my childhood. I was sexually abused by my brother at a young age and repressed those memories for a long time. I don't even know how I feel about it and I'm confused on how to label it. My brother was young at the time as well. Since my memories are fuzzy I'm guessing it would have started when I was 6 or so (he's 3 years older than me). What confuses me is how he would have known about that stuff. Was he abused also and just didn't know he was doing wrong? Since he was young also and potentially didn't know he was doing wrong, am I wrong to feel like it was still sexual abuse?

The problem is, I can never talk to my brother about any of this to get answers. When he was 21 he was in a car accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury. He's unable to take care of himself and will also need a full time caregiver. I don't feel like I can talk to my parents about it now. In a sense they have already lost their son (as they knew him) so bringing it up now would just add to their heartache. So I suffer in silence.

This has led to trust issues with men. I've been in one serious long term relationship that lasted 18 years. He was my best friend and I felt safe and secure with him. Several times I thought I about telling him what happened with my brother but in the end I couldn't go through with it. I don't know if I felt shame or if I was worried about how he would react, but I could never tell him. That relationship ended rather abruptly with no real answer as to why and I feel like this added abandonment issues on top of everything else.

All of this has affected my everyday life. With friendships and with romantic relationships. I feel like my emotions are always so extreme. I have seen therapists and counselors in the past. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and major depressive disorder as well as general and social anxiety. I've tried many medications and never really felt any change on them.

I just feel like I don't want to do life anymore. I'm basically just getting through each day to do it all over again the next day. There's no joy. I don't look forward to anything.

My best friend, who I've also been having issues with lately, keeps trying to push me to be more involved with church but I'm also struggling with that lately. I see so much hypocrisy within the church community and so much hate in the world in general. It just doesn't seem like life is worth living and I don't know what do to.