just a huge rant and a question tldr

I don't know where to begin this because like... on one hand I heard that the number one cause of death in people with >!anorexia!< is heart failure and organ damage and those two things really scare me. But I don't know if thats just people who eat reeeally low amounts of calories over a long stretch of time or if I'm actually at risk. Because I eat >!900 cals a day!< and just drinking an energy drink makes my heart palpitate and my chest hurts sometimes. I figure I could just cut out the caffeine and I'll be fine.

And the physical effects just make me sad. Everything kinda hurts. I can't dance like I used to because my knees just fucking hurt. And weird places in my stomach sometimes and just random pain, I dunno. Pain in my back and other places I just usually don't. And I barely have the energy to do anything. I don't want brain fog either.

I "decided" to recover last night because I was high out of my mind on xanax and didn't care anymore. And by recover I mean eat literally over 2k calories in one night. Not even throughout the day. A single night. And I feel awful this morning because of it but it also makes me feel good because I have energy, I can drink an energy drink and feel fine, and I just generally feel okay.

But this is my coping mechanism. I know it's just an addiction. If it's not this, it's drugs, or it's self harm. I know logically I'm more attractive AND healthy at >!bmi 20 which is where I'm at!< but what if that's not true? What if >!bmi 16!< really does look better and I'm actually happier and maintain that weight!? And all this suffering is temporary and I'll eventually win??

which brings me to my next point which is if I recover just by eating naturally again (or trying to), I'm gonna end up at a higher weight than I even started. I just want to be >!bmi 16!< so badly it's all I want.

So I guess my question is, is >!900 calories!< a day really going to cause permanent issues?? It would only take me a few months if I kept on track and I can deal with these side effects just fine. What if I really do just start maintaining at my goal weight and everything is fine??

I'm so sorry I rambled so much I have no idea what I was even trying to say. I can't tell if this is making me happy or miserable. It's both I guess just at different times.