How OCD affects my daily life

When I wake up and get ready to change, I need to visualise celebrity men and women. If I think of someone else, I can’t get dressed. Also if putting on an item of clothing feels ‘off’ I will continue putting it on and off again until it feels right. Although some days I don’t bother getting dressed at all.

I get horrible, disgusting intrusive thoughts all the time 24/7 and I react to them by shaking my head like it’s a tic or head butting walls if nobody is around. It makes every following compulsion difficult because it makes counting a lot harder with so much distressing thoughts running through my mind. Thoughts could range from questions I ask myself like “what if I hurt someone I love” or “should I push this person down the stairs”

I an unable to switch on the tv both upstairs and downstairs. When my tv is switched on upstairs by my brother, I have to be able to see him putting the switch on

When I shower I get in and out of the shower 11 times. There is a routine I must follow and (along with nighttime) its the worst time for intrusive depression g thoughts. I can’t finish until visualise a random celebrity man and woman. Then I turn the tap off and on again on numbers 11, 20. 22 and 25.

Of course I get frustrated which means sometimes I don’t react very well to, especially when I forget what number I’m on while counting, or if I think I forgot or counted the numbers 6 and 7 (bad numbers) more than once.

I always need reassurance when my family are out because I think they’ve died or are in distress

I press pause on shows/movies repeatedly to see how long is left

The tv must be on an even number but they can’t feature the number 6 or 7 because 6 is associated with evil

Sometimes (not all the time) I have to step on a certain area of the floor, which are tiles downstairs

I can’t come downstairs unless invited especially with guests like my grandparents

When I finish a meal I take 22 sips from a glass, literally by picking it up and down 22 times

I take out all the plugs and turn the switches off but look at them again and again until it feels right

I close the back and front door and make sure they’re closed by pushing the door again and again 25 times. But if

I go out I have to make sure the street is free of everybody. Or if I’m late I sprint to the car parked on the drive. That way nobody can judge me if nobody sees me.

Whenever I hear somebody mention a family member in real life or on tv/movie, I have to name in my head every family member I can think of and all the different ways to call them. For example sister; brother, mum, dad, mom, daddy, mummy, da, mommy, pa, mother , father, paps etc.

Whenever I look behind me, I have to look behind me the other way as well

I have to tap a basket twice before going to and leaving the bathroom AND do it before going downstairs and upstairs

When I go the toilet, I have to think of the celebrity man and woman before washing my hands

I have to turn the tap off tightly and tap it 25x25 times, rounding it to 625

Before going downstairs or upstairs, I have to go up and down the first step 11 times

When I drink, I have to lift it up and down and count up to 22 each times for each sip

A touch on one side of my body means I have to be touched on the other side. For example a hug or scratching an itch on my nose

When I go out, I have to shut the door 25 times. Sometimes I’d walk to the bus stop and run back home to make sure the doors were shut, missing the bus.

Outside I fear people and what they’re capable of doing to me. I’m overwhelmed with questions such as ‘do I stand out’, ‘why am I so ugly to other people’,, did I make eye contact and what if it was too long’ and ‘do I look homeless’. Another big one is I fear peeing myself in public and can’t find a toilet in time. Once it’s literally happened to me before but I hate public toilets.

When I go to bed, I can’t sleep until I complete several compulsions. These include scrolling on my phone in order that feels the most safe. They all have one thing in common in that I have to click on each page/action twice.

These begin from an app called HelloTalk and clicking each page twice eventually locking onto my visitors page 22 times

Then the same for Reddit. Then the same for Snapchat where I open a celebrity’s Snapchat. Then I have to watch 11 TikTok videos in full. They’re mainly Spanish learning, funny, football and Ice Hockey videos. This could last up to 30-40 minutes.

Dating apps follow. I have signed up for a few dating apps because I use them to boost my self esteem by knowing I have a mutual attraction to strangers I’ll never talk to nor meet. This lasts about 15 minutes.

Social media apps are next. I open Twitter and this lasts half an hour.

Before bed I have to first sip my can and milk 10 times each. Push my door into my shelf back and forth in a 2+2+1 formation.

Then I have to walk to the landing and back 22 times as quiet and as slowly as I can. But this is especially because everyone is sleeping but I still can’t avoid it.

Then I push my door into the shelf back and forth again. Following that I open and close my door 22 times using my right hand. Then I open and close it again 22 times with my left hand.

When I do that I shuffle and shrug 2x2+1 and kiss an old school bus pass of me and apologise to him/me.

I tuck my duvet into the sides (even if it’s already done) and push my bed 22 times. I do the same 2x2+1 shuffle and shrug again. Only this time I do it 11 times.

I kneel onto the bed with my left knee, right knee, left knee and right knee then I’m in. I open the window twice and close it twice. When I do this I brush my head into each sides of my curtains.

I sniff both my hands 25 times and tangle my hands together 25 times. I check my pockets even if I know nothing is in them or if I don’t even have any pockets

I hit the wall with the left side off my head and do the same with the wall behind me. The right side of my head does the same. I open and close all the open apps 11 times then open a photo of my man and woman I have to visualise before sleep. I open and close my phone 11 times.

That’s nearly when I turn off my phone but I use my phone as a flashlight to make sure my switches are off with no plugs in them by looking 2x2+1 times each side of my room.

I take my white cushion away and put it back. I finally get to plant my head on the pillow but first I had to sit up 11 times and look at each corner of my room.

Then I kick my trousers around my knee 22 times. I open and close my eyes 11 times on the right side of pillow then say to myself ‘goodnight sweet dreams love you’ even though I don’t mean it. I open and close my eyes a further 11 times while I try to picture the man and woman of whom I tried to visualise before bed.

All that’s left is trying to sleep which is hard because I think of all my past mistakes, future mistakes and a series of ‘what if’ scenarios. I basically cry myself to sleep.