I'm so tired of it [SP]

I've known my sp for almost 2 years. We met by him (possibly)) trying to troll me, since he got my telegram account from one of his friends because I was ahem cringe But we became friends and I've developed deep feelings for him, like deep deep, he's the first person I've been in love with and had a crush on. He used to be very talkative but now he BECAMSE extremely cold and distant (I don't know maybe it's because he goes to the army) I've been trying to manifest him for months and found out back in December that he got a gf but he broke up with her, I didn't know that he had a gf and while they were still together I confessed my feelings and then blocked him (which I know was very childish of me), and then I unblocked him and started talking to him again where he told me that he broke up with her because she was weird (my exact thoughts when I saw some of her photos which were take in weird positions) and he told me that he didn't know how to reply because he was in a relationship at the time I confessed to him and that his attitude towards me didn't change After that we didn't talk again for like two weeks I think and then I randomly see that he sent a follow req on insta , which was sent one hour ago, and then I accepted it and sent him one back and he accepted instantly We didn't talk after but he replied to some of my stories and I've became dry to him too because I needed to detach Now to the present, his bday is going to be soon and I asked him if I could give him a present irl and even had a drawing for him (which I deleted because I got really sad and panicked)) , and he told me 'you don't have to give it to me, it would be strange anyway' and then 'besides I don't think they'll let me go from here anyway' Which I replied with only an 'ok'

I'm really tired of this all, because I've been trying for months, maybe not enough because I have severe Brain fog and forget to affirm lots of times, but I still try to do SATS and I'm listening to submiminals everynight and even tell myself that 'i know I'm his girlfriend and he loves me' , 'i know I'm his first and only option' etc etc... I don't want to give up on him because I love him so much and I don't think I'll ever find someone like him

I wish for someone to help me or manifest him for me because I can't take this anymore I've been having panic attacks and breakdowns for weeks now