I don’t know if I have bpd

I haven’t been diagnosed but a clinician has said to me that I fit all the symptoms.

everyone around me constantly tells me that I don’t have it. that it’s extreme anxiety or something.

i don’t think it is.

i have been constantly in a state of feeling like not all there. for months i barely had any emotions, close to zero empathy, and was just kinda drifting. now i have some emotions and empathy but I just don’t feel right. like I’m not myself. but I don’t know who I am. I don’t remember who I was in the first place. when I look in the mirror it just doesn’t look like me, though that could also be my gender disphoria. I am always disassociating.

I have some ocd like symptoms, I Cover windows and have a few rituals like wearing two different socks. But this doesn’t take over my life alot

i want to destroy myself and take the world down with me but i don’t want to die. i want to be in an abusive relationship and get fucked up but I don’t know why. I want to wreck another person till they are so mentally unwell that they only can rely on me. I know this is bad.

that’s a lot of what I feel. I also have some general stuff like I will drop my friends and then get them back because I hated them and then liked them again. I have a bad spending problem and harming problem. sometimes I hate myself and think mold grows within my body but other times I think I’m the only light this world has

idk I just wanted to type this out,